Is this cheating?

[Sad, little man]

Is it cheating to go on a date with someone, have that date go extremely well and arrange a second date, but at the same time also be arranging a first date with someone else?

If not, when does it become cheating? I don't know what the rules are here, do people do this? Is someone going to get angry at me for doing this?

[thesameguy]

It becomes cheating when you have a face to face conversation with a person about the nature of your relationship and you both agree to be exclusive and then you're not. Or, arguably, when there has been a non-verbal communication or behavioral suggestion that your relationship is exclusive, when it's not. IME, it's always best to be straightforward and communicative about expectation in a relationship rather than leaving it to guesswork. Like, "We've been seeing each other for a couple weeks and I really enjoy your company. I just want to know that you agree, and ask if we can be exclusive with each other."

[Crazed_Insanity]

Oh com'on, you can't be asking for exclusivity on 1st dates, can you TSG?

Anyway SLM, surely you know the golden rule? What do you think is cheating for you? If you don't want others to 'cheat' you like that, then don't do the same to others.

Personally, dates, especially 1st dates, are never meant to be exclusive. So I wouldn't consider it cheating. But of course you have to sort of give the illusion that she is all that you are interested in. For sure you probably don't want your date to see you dating other girls.

OTOH, if you seriously only have the hots for her, chances are, you probably wouldn't be arranging other 1st dates and be totally dedicated on planning on the 2nd date with the same girl.

[thesameguy]

Read what I said, not what you think I said. :)

[Crazed_Insanity]

Ok, sorry I misunderstood... Anyway, context of the original question was about 1st dates, so...

Personally, I wouldn't clarify exclusivity verbally for the 1st few months, but will give the impression that I'm exclusively hers if I really like her.

IMHO, "guess work" period is an important stage for falling in love.

If she's already fallen for you, this 'guess work' period won't hurt you.
If she's borderlining... not sure if she should fall for you, then the 'guess work' period will actually help you.
If she's not interested in you, she'll be long gone before the 'guess work' period is even over.

So it's good to keep her guessing for a while.

But of course, this guessing game shouldn't last for too long.

[Godson]

If it isn't exclusive, it isn't cheating.

[FaultyMario]

Past 25 y.o. both parties have an obligation to talk to each other explicitly about the things that they enjoy together and on their own. Sex goes on top of that list.

[thesameguy]

A+ :up:

[Cam]

Having a second date with someone while arranging a date with someone else is totally not cheating. When you and a partner have agreed to have a mutually exclusive relationship, and, subsequently, you arrange a date with someone else, then it's cheating.

[Leon]

If you would be uncomfortable telling her, it is "cheating".

If you have no worries telling her, then it isn't

Depends entirely on what head space both parties are in. I've been dating more than one person at a time at very early stages of getting to know a person.

[Alan P]

Chances are she's dating another/other guys anyway. Don't sweat it.

[Sad, little man]

New question... If there are two people who would commit to a relationship with you, and neither one is obviously and clearly better than the other, how do you choose between them?

[Kchrpm]

You don't. You be honest with them about your situation and how you feel. One or both of them may move on because of this, or they may both stay. React accordingly. First comes honesty, then comes everything else.

I mean, it's not like some movie where they're going to start fighting with each other over you. You haven't committed to either of them yet, and either they're cool with keeping it where it is until the situation clarifies itself for one of three people, or they're not and that makes the decision for you.

And if both of them back away from you? You'll either know which one to go after then, or you'll realize that since neither stood out that maybe you should be finding another person anyway.

[21Kid]

Can you see yourself growing old with one of them?

[Kchrpm]

But only tell them if the subject of committing comes up or is hinted at, don't just randomly say "oh by the way, I don't know if I want to be exclusive with you or someone else, just FYI."

Either way, there's a good chance that you will end up losing both of them. Whoever you just got worried about losing when you read that is probably who you like more.

[thesameguy]

Neither is better than the other? Are you buying a used car? If you're shopping women based on specs you need to reconsider what exactly it is you're doing. Or, maybe I don't understand what you're doing. You either feel it or you don't. If you're that indifferent that either one will do, you need to let them both know you don't have feelings for them and move the fuck on.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Amen brother!

[Sad, little man]

Can you see yourself growing old with one of them?

Really hard to say. Don't know either of them well enough.


Neither is better than the other? Are you buying a used car? If you're shopping women based on specs you need to reconsider what exactly it is you're doing. Or, maybe I don't understand what you're doing. You either feel it or you don't. If you're that indifferent that either one will do, you need to let them both know you don't have feelings for them and move the fuck on.

Why can't I have feelings for both? If I do that automatically makes those feelings superficial and invalid?

[Crazed_Insanity]

I think the issue is, what is your definition of a 'committed' relationship?

Are you in a committed relationship(s)?

It's perfectly fine to not quite know how you feel at such an early stage, but one can't be in a committed relationship when one's not sure.

You can't be like, I'm in a committed relationship, but I'm not sure.

WTF is that?

You need to be honest with yourself and others. You don't have to tell them you are dating others. You don't have to tell them you're unsure about them. But you absolutely cannot agree to a committed relationship with them like this.

This IS cheating now.

[thesameguy]

Jesus.

[FaultyMario]

Just remember, being honest does not mean telling everyone everything. Like krunch said, give them truthful answers.

[Jason]

Ask if they're open to polyamory.

[Sad, little man]

Eh, I'm not really on board with the whole poly thing. In theory, is a species as emotionally advanced as humans capable of pulling it off? Yeah, probably. In reality, it seems like a lot of continual work to try to overcome very instinctive ingrained feelings of jealousy... Too complicated. And I realize it's not necessarily something that's inherently unhealthy mentally. But, all the people that practice it do kinda seem like dingbats. (No offense if you do, but yeah...)

[Jason]

Just a suggestion if you have genuine feelings for the both of them. Good luck. :)

And yes, I'm a ding bat.

[Sad, little man]

Ok, all parties have been informed of the situation, and shockingly, everyone's ok with it, for the moment. :up::up:

[Jason]

:up:

[Sad, little man]

Oh dear god... Girl #2 is incredible. She is one of the most intelligent people I think I've ever met, and she looks like a model. How... The... Fuck... Is this happening to me?

[21Kid]

Sounds rough. :finger:

[Crazed_Insanity]

Take your gfs to family and friends that you trust. Don't have to allow them to judge your partners, but judge your 'partnership'. See which one makes YOU a better person.

When in love, we often lose the abilities to see things clearly so we absolutely need to rely on folks we trust.

Lastly, I think it's a bad idea to be so up front. All you needed to do is simply not agree to commit, no need to tell that your seeing other people.... That's too much info... Which can only hurt you down the road.

[Godson]

Oh dear god... Girl #2 is incredible. She is one of the most intelligent people I think I've ever met, and she looks like a model. How... The... Fuck... Is this happening to me?

Because you are a good person who works hard and has nice things. Live it and enjoy it.

[Yw-slayer]

Yeah, why so worried? Roll with it, man.

[Sad, little man]

I'm struggling to maintain a standard of sincerity in my overall interpersonal relationships. I've been talking about two people in particular in this thread. But actually one of the people I started talking about in the beginning is now actually another person. So I've been actively dating two people, a third person who wanted to date me but I just haven't been able to make time for (the person I was originally talking about), a fourth person who gave me her number without me asking and has repeatedly expressed interest in dating me but I'm pretty has too much social anxiety to go through with it, a fifth person who I met once and got her number but never followed up past the "It was nice meeting you" text (but now appears to be with someone else.) There's also a sixth person who I got close to but I didn't really ask out before I realized that she's probably with someone else. Also a seventh person who I'm pretty sure is into me but I just don't see it working out. Then I met an eighth person for the second time last night who said she wanted to marry me. But, I'm really not into her at all, so that's cool I guess.

[Yw-slayer]

Ok, well, like I said, roll with it. You can't please everyone, but don't lie to anyone.

[Godson]

#mustberough

[Yw-slayer]

#8chickschasingmefml ?

[Crazed_Insanity]

More options isn't always good. Just as we now have gazillion channels but can't decide on what to watch. Channel surfing will never be as fulfilling as sticking with a single program that you really like. If there's really nothing good on TV at the moment, perhaps it'd be better to just turn the shit off!

[Godson]

Picture in picture.

[Sad, little man]

Shut up Billi. I'm owning this shit. I've hardly ever had a TV in years past. And now all of a sudden I get directv and you're going to tell me not to sit too close to the screen? No, that's not happening. That's not how we're doing this thing. I want to see all the shows. Yes, soon enough I'll stay with one station, but for now, I'm the asshole who flips through channels during commercials.

[Kchrpm]

I'm the asshole
As long as you are aware of it and ok with it, you do you.

[FaultyMario]

Don't lie to yourself, vato; you know the pimp ride is gonna end, madafaca!, sooner or later, the mojo dims down, with that in mind, make the most of it.

It'd also be cool if you could not hurt anyone's emotional wellness in the process (specially yours). Be open of your intentions, even if that means telling the truth to women you're not related to.

[Fogelhund]

I'm struggling to maintain a standard of sincerity in my overall interpersonal relationships. I've been talking about two people in particular in this thread. But actually one of the people I started talking about in the beginning is now actually another person. So I've been actively dating two people, a third person who wanted to date me but I just haven't been able to make time for (the person I was originally talking about), a fourth person who gave me her number without me asking and has repeatedly expressed interest in dating me but I'm pretty has too much social anxiety to go through with it, a fifth person who I met once and got her number but never followed up past the "It was nice meeting you" text (but now appears to be with someone else.) There's also a sixth person who I got close to but I didn't really ask out before I realized that she's probably with someone else. Also a seventh person who I'm pretty sure is into me but I just don't see it working out. Then I met an eighth person for the second time last night who said she wanted to marry me. But, I'm really not into her at all, so that's cool I guess.

Do whatever the hell feels right for you now. Really, what you choose to do, or don't do is up to you, and doesn't really matter what others think. As long as you are honest with those you are dating, it's fine. If you enjoy dating multiple women, then continue doing it. If you are looking to settle down with one, then you obviously have a number of options to narrow it down. Just do what is right for you, in an honest fashion.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Dude, believe it or not, I want you to be one big mother fucking happy man!

Are you really the James Bond type? If you are, this post wouldn't exist.

I tend to see this post as call for help rather than a show off post... That's why I responded accordingly.

Forget about others' emotional well beings. You just make sure you don't cheat yourself in the end.

[Sad, little man]

Yeah, it is a call for help. But kinda like the call for help you make when you're bungee jumping. Kinda like "This is fun, but holy shit."

Anyway, I have a feeling I'm going to get my very own stalker soon. Kinda cool I guess, as long as she doesn't pull a Lennon on me.

[Kchrpm]

Let someone (not one of us) know who she is and where she lives just in case.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Don't get me wrong, it's good to date a lot of folks before settling down... Just so you know who youre really compatible with... Just as there's nothing wrong with test driving lotta cars before you buy.
Just don't give dealers the impression that you're ready to buy but actually not.
Ideally, just try to have as much fun as possible without cheating anybody including yourself!

[FaultyMario]

(not one of us)

:mad:

[FaultyMario]

https://i0.wp.com/www.brainpickings.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/earhartprenup.jpg?zoom=2&w=500

[Sad, little man]

This is really crazy... I mean... Really. Still dating the girl I most preferred, and I can-fucking-not believe this. I mean, this is it, this is the high water mark. This is who everyone I have ever dated and will ever date will be compared to. I would probably settle for so much less. She is undoubtedly both the most attractive and most intelligent person I've ever dated. I dunno quite how I'm going to manage it yet, but I need to make this work. Nobody else is going to cut it after this. There's just no other option here.

[Yw-slayer]

That's cool. So just don't fuck it up.

[21Kid]

So, you've decided then?

FYI, that's exactly how I felt when I met my wife.

I can't believe she said she would date me!!!
We're still dating?!?!
I hope she doesn't find someone better. :(
Wow. She is still with me?!?
She must really like me!!!
???
profit

[FaultyMario]

the.one.that.got.away.

From my experience of reaching the finals and blowing it in the big game... Just roll with it, tell her how much you like/dislike what's going on (that's gonna be a 5:1). And generally, just don't be a dick.

[thesameguy]

Word. A+

[Crazed_Insanity]

When you're in love, you won't be able to see things clearly... Anyway, not saying I doubt your claim of how gorgeous and intelligent she is..., just saying you're under the influence of love. So you need people you trust to ensure that you're seeing things clearly.

Like I said earlier, you should hang out with your trusted friends or family members with her. Not to have them judge how gorgeous or smart she is, but to have them judge your newly formed 'partnership'. Do your friends and family like YOU when you're around her? Is she really a good influence for you?

Likewise, you should occasionally hang with her friends and family too. We don't need all of them to like you of course, but surely they can also provide you some additional background of this dream girl of yours.

Lastly, I think you should save the 'no other option' mentality until after marriage or serious commitment. Prior to that, always keep your options opened. You never know if she's really all that serious... even if you don't fuck it up, you don't know if she's not going to fuck it up! :p

Anyway, good luck man! Hope things works out for you and we can see you transform into a happy large man! :D

[Crazed_Insanity]

Hey SLM, if you have spare time, I'd highly recommend this book to help guide you thru your tough times! ;)

Now this isn't faith based or Doc Love based, but science based book about relationships. Good luck man!

http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1447441845&sr=8-1&keywords=Attached%3A+The+New+Science+of+Adult+Atta chment+and+How+It+Can+Help+YouFind+-+and+Keep+-+Love&pebp=1447441849675&perid=0FMPTMKYYRGT1CNMXZQT

[Sad, little man]

Billi, first, you're wrong if you think I'm not thinking clearly. I approach relationships with the same calculating caution I do all other important things. So let's just get that clear right now. This person really is about the best person I could hope to attain.

Now comes the tough part. I'm now dating someone who almost every other guy desires. I think it's clear what I have to do in this situation. I have to pull together a huge amount of self confidence and not allow it to bother me when other guys hit on the person that I'm with. I think ultimately I just have to be willing to lose this person to someone else, while at the same time realizing that, with my strengths, one of which being this confidence, that that's unlikely to happen.

[Godson]

And be willing to step in when someone does something dumb. Sometimes showing that you are an alpha male needs to happen. But you already know that.

[Sad, little man]

I appreciate your input, but no, I don't think that's the game we're playing here.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Most people fall in love and not carefully calculate how to cautiously step into it. Have trusted friends and relatives assess your newly formed partnership can do you no harm. Now, if you are super confident that you know what your doing and don't need anyone's help, that's super sexy and can possibly even drive her up interest level too, but that's kinda like having two drunken people who insist that they didn't have much to drink and can still drive safely! :p

Anyway, you want to know how to manage it. I recommend that book. Good luck.

[21Kid]

Just don't seem to dis-interested if people are hitting on her while you are together. Women still want to be chased after and feel safe.



MAKE IT KNOWN that she is yours!!! :hard:

:lol:

[Sad, little man]

I'm assuming that laughing smiley applied to your whole statement?

Dude, seriously, they got this new feminism thing, you gotta check it out.

Really, this person feels plenty chased after, harassed even. That is not at issue here. And feel safe?? This statement insinuates that women cannot take care of themselves. Trust me, this person is fully capable of taking care of herself. She is probably more intelligent than I am, and that is really intelligent.

I would be more specific, but I don't want to on a public board. But, if you made a list of the top ten, top five even, fields of studies that probably require the most intelligence, her's is in there. It's not brain surgery or rocket science, but right up there with them.

[Crazed_Insanity]

If she's really as smart as you claimed, you have very little to worry about. Most men only prefer smart ladies in theory, but shy away when it comes to really choosing a mate.
http://www.spring.org.uk/2015/11/smart-women-are-only-sexy-to-men-sometimes-heres-when.php

So unless you're like most men, chances are, you got her! ;)

[Kchrpm]

Yeah, you got this, you don't need us. What the hell do we know?

[thesameguy]

I know to put my dude piston in her squish mitten.

[FaultyMario]

From my polytrauma intensivist friend who was living with a nationally respected (and apparently very attractive) modern art dealer: "sometimes you have to step in make a territorial pissing, clues were subtle but he always let me know".

We lost art dealer to cancer.

[FaultyMario]

Btw, have you talked about all that attention?

It seems to be bugging you. I'd bring it up after a hairchested victory over those lowly fellows still in the want and not in the have, like you, stud.

[Sad, little man]

You mean talk to her about it? In what respect? As far as I'm concerned, I simply have to not let it bug me. It's my problem and my problem alone if my confidence in myself is so paper thin that I can't handle the fact that I'm dating someone who gets a lot of attention.

[FaultyMario]

Sometimes things that get on our nerves go away by putting them out there.
Do not try to be perfect, if you acknowledge your flaws to her in a problem-solving fashion, she'd know that you're making an effort. Chics dig that.

The strong, feminist type women I hang out with, really dig a well rounded man that can overcome small problems. Because it shows a) vision, b) fortitude and c)hey, this dude can fix things.

[Sad, little man]

I'm not perfect. Sure it's tough for me to have other people show affection towards who I'm with. There, I acknowledge it. But what exact purpose does it serve to express those feelings to her? What the hell is she supposed to do, wear a burka to mitigate the advances from other people?

As far as I'm concerned, I just have to deal with it and maintain self confidence. It's not her fault these things happen, so how is expressing it to her doing anything but making her feel like it is her fault and her problem to help to solve? Nope, either I've got to live with it and accept it or move along.

[Kchrpm]

The idea isn't to tell her she's causing a problem that you're dealing with, but a challenge that you enjoy taking on and get a laugh out of. I don't think it's necessary to tell her that, mind you, but if you chose to, that's how you should approach it.

I would always laugh later with my friends when we would go out and I'd stare down every guy that was ogling them as we walked around. It wasn't annoying, it was funny.

[thesameguy]

I think it's always best in a partnership to keep your problems as contained as possible. Sharing is not caring.

[Sad, little man]

Yes, I don't know where this idea that I should mention anything about this came from.

Anyway... There is another layer of complexity to this that I haven't commented on here, because again, I don't want it to be too identifiable on a public board. However, I had been thinking very hard about this most of the day. Around 3:00 or 3:30, the perfect combination of neurons in my brain managed to fire in the perfect order, and it instantly became very clear what the right course of action here is. I had a moment of clarity which I've hung onto since, and I know exactly what I need to do now.

[thesameguy]

I know what you mean. That's why I bought the Cadillac. Huge trunk.

[Sad, little man]

:mad:

[Sad, little man]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tH8gaqODGc

[Crazed_Insanity]

I'm not perfect. Sure it's tough for me to have other people show affection towards who I'm with. There, I acknowledge it. But what exact purpose does it serve to express those feelings to her? What the hell is she supposed to do, wear a burka to mitigate the advances from other people?

As far as I'm concerned, I just have to deal with it and maintain self confidence. It's not her fault these things happen, so how is expressing it to her doing anything but making her feel like it is her fault and her problem to help to solve? Nope, either I've got to live with it and accept it or move along.

Dude, Doc Love's System definitely recommend staying cool and don't let it bother you, but it also recommend that you also flirt with other hot chicks if you can.

This is of course 'game playing', and perhaps necessary during initial dating stages.

But once 2 love birds commit to one another, this kind of destructive game playing probably shouldn't happen.

You still don't have to blow your top every time other guys try to hit on her, but if she also flirts back with other men right in front of your face, that is definitely something you should not live with and accept.

In a serious committed relationship, you have to be brave enough to voice your concern about whatever that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's one thing if she's just being friendly and you know she's not interested in that guy, I'm not really sure what you mean by affectionate, do they kiss on the mouth right in front of you? Does she flirt back? If that crossed your 'line', you definitely should let her know about it. Ladies can easily turn down guys if they want to. I most certainly would not want any guys getting 'affectionate' with my wife. I'll definitely let her know she can't do that. If she insist on doing that, then she can go marry that guy.

It's not her fault that guys hit on her that's for sure, but she is responsible for her reaction toward other advances. If you're not comfortable with her reactions, let her know. Don't live with it.

[Sad, little man]

This is of course 'game playing', and perhaps necessary during initial dating stages.

But once 2 love birds commit to one another, this kind of destructive game playing probably shouldn't happen.
It's only destructive if you let it be. I agree with what you said to a point, but I can't imagine what type of person would kiss someone else right in front of their significant other. I think you're taking this whole thing to an obscene extreme to prove a fairly toothless point.

Anyway, just a couple days ago I realized something... This person is better than Krysten Ritter. No shit, if I could choose to be with her or Krysten Ritter, I think there's a decent possibility that she would win out. This is amazing. Now, granted, Krysten Ritter is probably becoming modestly wealthy at this point, but I shouldn't really factor that into it.

[Godson]

My dad kissed my mom while she was sitting next to her fiancé, on the mouth.

Fiancé didn't do anything. She has been married to my dad for 35 years now.

[Sad, little man]

That is some extremely anecdotal evidence to try to prove Billi's point. There are so many other factors that go into play for something like this that what you said doesn't really prove anything at all.

[Godson]

Mine really had little to do with billis post. I honestly didn't read past the mention of the system. Just more to say my brother and I are products of someone who had the balls to kiss someone in front of their fiancé. With that said, the guy was a fuck anyway. He's a door-to-door salesman now.

[thesameguy]

I told my girl I was going to take her home at her then-boyfriend's birthday party. That was just shy of ten years ago. #homewreckers

[Crazed_Insanity]

Dude, I think you're being a bit too sensitive, nobody here is on the same side with Billi here. Regardless of the point is that extreme or not, I hope you get the point.

You cannot 'accept' or 'live with' your girl while she is 'affectionate' with others. If she cares for your feelings, she will have to modify her behavior. If not, then she's eventually gonna dump you anyway. As you can see, there are real life examples being posted here.

[Sad, little man]

Wait, you're Billi, right? Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?

[Godson]

Because he is a loon.

[Crazed_Insanity]

See, nobody here is trying to prove the loon's point! Don't be so paranoid, ok?

However, I, Billi, and the loon spoke the truth. It's your choice whether to believe 'us' or not! :p

[Fogelhund]

ummm. du fuq?

[thesameguy]

http://memecrunch.com/meme/UWOL/you-see-what-had-happened-was/image.jpg

[Crazed_Insanity]

:lol:

[Fogelhund]

This is like trying to figure out the meaning of a "mk" posting, but with less sanity.

[21Kid]

Most of his posts tend to contradict each other... I don't even bother any more.

It seems that he just tries to make a point... any point. And then when he's questioned on it, or changes his mind, it morphs into something completely different.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Wait, I thought my point is pretty clear. Don't live with or accept your woman flirting/being affectionate with other dudes. Being hit on isn't her fault, but how she responds is definitely her responsibility.

[Sad, little man]

I just want everyone to know that I have transcended the nature of human behavior. For every action someone takes, I can read between the lines that are between the lines and see their exact motivation for it.

[thesameguy]

My actions are monolinear. There is nothing to read between them.

[Jason]

I haven't read in quite a bit... can someone tell me if there's been a "System®" return, before I dive in?

[thesameguy]

I don't think System® ever got past its initial round of funding.

[Godson]

I haven't read in quite a bit... can someone tell me if there's been a "System®" return, before I dive in?

Billi mentions it.

I'm a tsg kinda guy. To the point. You know my intentions. I hide nothing

[thesameguy]

I don't have the time or interest in playing games or second guessing what you said or hoping you inferred what I meant from what I said. That shit is wasteful and counterproductive. Which is why when I'm at a party with a cute girl and her boyfriend is being a sissy little martyr and not saying what he means, imma be all like, "Hey, let's get out of here" and that's that.

[Crazed_Insanity]

I just want everyone to know that I have transcended the nature of human behavior. For every action someone takes, I can read between the lines that are between the lines and see their exact motivation for it.

Dude, you didn't even know if you were cheating or not, yet you can be so sure of actions of others? :p

[thesameguy]

1. Uncertainty
2. Transcendence
3. Profit?

Derp.

[Godson]

Where'd my beer go? ;)