You guys aren't getting it. It's easy to say and not easy to do. Rikadyn, I cannot begin to understand your troubles and neither can anyone else here. We hope to be supportive as we can and I am sure the guys are just trying to help. Alas, there is not much we can really do. I hope things improve for you, pal. It is frustrating to see people struggle and not be able to help.
In other news, I really miss socializing with other humans in person.
Holden, you know me.
My phone is always on
I feel shitty for not responding to you, Rikadyn, but I also feel wholly unqualified to help. I feel the same as Cam - I want to support, but have no idea how.
I also am with you Cam - we've been lucky that we have a few friends as introverted and nerdy as we are, so they also aren't really ever seeing anyone else so we've been able to have our own "pod" that gets together on the occasional Sunday. I miss my parents a lot - my dad's birthday is Feb. 21, so we're coming up on a year now since I last saw them.
Yeah, I'm sure I don't really get it since I don't really suffer from depression... I've only been depressed and it's much easier to lift my mood out of that. I can only imagine that perhaps when our brains are locked in a particular mode, it'd be incredibly hard to get out of that. Whether that mode is smoking, or substance abuses... or perhaps even depression? It's just not easy to quit those things...Originally Posted by Cam
Anyway, still, in theory, in order to quit something, rather than just try to quit cold turkey, it's probably best to find something else better as substitute? If we could get our brain to busily focus on something else, then perhaps the brain might forget about cigarettes, drugs or perhaps even depression?
Of course I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist, just a conjecture...
Rikadyn, if you're lonely, just talk to us. We're the best buddies you have right now!
Of course, if you want me to shut up, I can shut up too.
yes, cam is right. I'm sorry for trying to 'fix' you, Holden.
I'm here to read you and cheer you on.
acket.
I know that I stop myself before attempting anything, and that it sounds like a bunch of excuses but it's only me that has to live with the consequences of those actions and I don't have the leeway of being able to make a mistake and land in a safety net. If I misstep and fall, I have to worry about the noose snapping taut.
I expend so much energy just trying to hold myself together day to day, how am I supposed to think about the future? How am I supposed to sell myself when every thought I have about myself is how worthless I am and that it doesn't matter what I want or what I do I am going to fail. I don't even think I could kill myself successfully and that's a good part of why I am here.
What would I like to do for a living? Something to do with writing and photography, either combined or separate. Do I have skills in writing, maybe but fuck if I know how to start or where to start or anything like that. Photography, everyone says that I do but I think they are full of shit and I constantly struggle to come up with concepts for personal work that are remotely feasible at my current point. Both of those are pipe dreams and by pipe I mean crack pipe because the odds of making it work are hysterical. I can't just jump into it either, as that seems just the quickest way to get worse position than I am now.
How do I get better? Hell if I know, I know that I can't see things clearly. I don't know what to do about it. But everything in my head says that I am too fucked to be saved.
And this is before you start looking at the shear lack of emotional support I have had in my life. Growing up the most I got from my parents was indifference. I didn't have friends really, still don't. The people who I have had say that they cared about me, or heaven forbid loved me have always been nothing more than a useful tool to use until something better came along and I was tossed aside...
So I have to deal with all of this and the rest of the things that I need to do to just survive another day, that will end in tears and wondering what fucking reason is there to keep doing it day after day
Nobody is too fucked to be saved. Have some faith in God and yourself!
Abraham didn’t know where to go, he had faith and just followed God. Moses didn’t know how to deliver the Jews, but he believed and followed God and delivered them to promise land eventually.
Okay, let’s use more modern examples...nobody knew how to defeat the nazis and deliver the Jews, but that doesn’t mean we should never try.
You might emotionally feel like you’re stuck in a hopeless concentration camp, but it’s really important that you don’t lose hope. Yeah, a lot of Jews did die in that camp, but not all.
Everyone will die, but not everyone really lived is one of my favorite quotes. Do not be a living dead by losing all faith and hope. Try to really live, even if it means you die trying... apostle Paul’s passion is just preaching the gospel. He’s also a tent maker by trade just to make a living.
There’s no guarantee that we will all reach our promise land, but even if I don’t make it, I’d rather die trying. Instead of just giving up and die. What’d be worse is give up and never die? (As Bill Murray in ground hog day)
Moral of the story is don’t give up.
The enemy may want you to think you are too fucked, but you are actually too loved that’s why Jesus wanted to die on the cross for you.
Anyway, we live in a free country, feel free to believe in whatever you want. As for me and my household, we choose to believe God whenever I feel too fucked about myself...
Last edited by Crazed_Insanity; February 26th, 2021 at 11:20 PM.
I don't really know what to say. I feel like just rationalizing things won't help that much, e.g., if things already suck, might as well do the things you want to do like write and do photography. Worst case scenario is it still sucks, but at least you like what you're doing?
I know we're just random people on the internet, but I think it's safe to say that we don't view you as a useful tool and we do give a shit about you, for whatever that's worth.
As Tom said, there are ways to indulge in writing and photography and share your work that will allow you to improve and be seen. Maybe it will lead to work later, or maybe it will just be an outlet that you enjoy. Tumblr, Instagram, your own blog, whatever. Doesn't matter if no one sees as long as you enjoy the process of doing it, and then one day it could be your portfolio regardless of follower/reader count.
As for feeling worthwhile, a great way to do that is to volunteer. There are places that need the help of manual labor, like a food bank or a soup kitchen, and giving of yourself to others is a well known way to improve ones feelings of self worth.
Get that weak shit off my track
I can't speak from experience, but I have a friend who's been thru some rough patches, who now considers himself, first and foremost, a fiction writer. That, he says, is his main job, although he has other income-generating activities, but he decided that he was going to be a novelist and he puts that in the center of his life because that's what brings him joy. I think he is a pretty good op-ed writer, but he says that political journalism is too distracting and he only does it to pay the bills.
acket.
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