Yeah, a manly handshake and a fierce look into your eyes over the internet.
Or, a big hug and a kiss. We be humans and that shit feels good when you're down.
So much shit going on in my head... but one that I keep coming back to is my own dysthymia diagnosis and the need to stabilize my income to go into the the treatment with the security that I won't have to cut it halfway. So anyway... thanks for sharing everyone.
acket.
Alright, I guess I'll tip my hat in, because I have no idea what's wrong with me, except that I'm the living embodiment of First World Problems.
So two years ago, I lose 100 lbs. Best shape of my life, exercising and eating right, all that good stuff. Feel restless, as a result, and getting kinda sick of city life, so we move out to the Ranch. One full year, still feeling pretty good, Tara gets a new dog as well.
Dog turns out to be a nightmare, aggressive, bitey, difficult to train, totally not what she expected, she's in over her head. Loveable and happy 90% of the time, nuts the other 10%--and a threat to our smaller, older dog. He's also massively annoying and barkey, which stresses me way out. After getting bit yet again last week and having to get antibiotics for it, we're finally going to try re-homing him.
We have a (basically) 1hr commute, which is also way more than we expected. So while we love the house overall, love the property, the commute is killing me--ironically, we move to the country to be more relaxed and quiet, only to find we drive in horrible stop-and-go rush hour traffic every day. So between that and the regular day-to-day chores and shit, and my regular exercise, my weekdays are basically gone.
While I say "I love my job" at NAPA, it's getting harder to say it. For the last two years we had a complete idiot on the counter with us who made all of our jobs more difficult; no clue what he was doing, losing sales, pissing off customers, all with a maddening Ned Flanders-esque happy-go-lucky attitude. Basically spent every day grinding my teeth listening to every single thing he said and did. Boss finally managed to get him demoted to work out back, which has me hoping I feel better at work. I like everyone else I work with, I am exceedingly good at my job, and the pay is excellent.
All of this, plus the modern state of the world/politics and god knows what else has led me to be pretty depressed for about a year... Quite by accident (but not surprisingly), every single person on my circle of friends here is right-wing, probably because they're all working in automotive. So I can't go five minutes without hearing about "the fucking Muslims" or "they need to arrest Justin Trudeau" or "Trump is pretty great" or whatever the fuck. All of it makes me feel like shit, and arguing gets me nowhere.
My mind is constantly worrying about things, constantly jumping around in my head. I used to be able to focus on things but find it really hard to now. Browsing and social media brings more anxiety, brings lots of clicking and scrolling without ever really paying attention.
It seems to have manifested in really bad physical symptoms. You know that lump you feel in your throat when you're scared, sad or really anxious? I have that all day, every day. It also brings with it weird burping, jaw aches, chest aches and headaches. The doctor did a RAFT of tests, including ultrasound, CT and shoving a scope down there. They found yeast in my esophagus, and prescribed some yellow goop to swallow to fix that. As far as we know that's been solved, but it looks like it might be unrelated, because all the symptoms are still there. It's also now started causing my ears to randomly clog/crackle/pop too. NOTHING I eat has any bearing on it at all.
So now the doctor is thinking it might be caused by stress or anxiety instead. The key is, it is MASSIVELY worse during periods of stress, particularly at work on a busy day, and even worse when driving home in rush hour. The more calm I feel, the better it gets. When I'm doing physical activity, whether it's actual exercise or even just working on a car or raking leaves, it's almost non-existent, just a little lump feeling in my throat. The only time I feel positive or happy is when I'm working out, doing physical labour, or lying in bed losing myself in a good movie or TV show.
I just took two weeks off in a row for the first time in several years, and felt significantly better (at least physically.) First day back at work today, symptoms are bad again, though slightly better I'd say.
I've never dealt with depression or anxiety in my life, ever. Tara has, so I have some idea of what's involved, but growing up around my parents and my kinda friends, the default response is "suck it up bitch, deal with it." My new-found fitness has me rethinking my life as a whole, wanting to travel more, get into the outdoors more, and thinking more and more about jobs in the environmental, natural or forestry industries. Which, given my whole life has been automotive, looks daunting and expensive.
Not really sure where to go with this now. Every single day I daydream about just jumping in the car and driving west, somewhere, anywhere to change my life. Can't do that with a wife and a house though, obviously. Plus the other half of my brain is screaming "Are you insane!? Well-paying job with a pension, loving wife, nice house in the country, reasonably good finances--quit whining!"
Maybe getting rid of the insane dog will help. Maybe when Tara finally gets her full license she can drive herself to work and I can avoid a major chunk of the commute.
Sorry to ramble. Maybe I need to look into a therapist.
Last edited by tigeraid; September 25th, 2017 at 08:40 AM.
yep, symptoms sound like stress to me.
I think most of us are more on edge with the new political situation
Sorry to learn about your father's health, Cuda. Hope he responds well to treatment!
Seriously, if I can do it then literally anyone can.Originally Posted by CudaMan
Truth -- and it sucks. In my case, it doesn't help that I own the poster child car of the American Redneck either.
Arguing is probably just amping up the stress, tho'.
I made it a point to avoid all political talk "in the open" on facebook for that reason. Nothing on my wall now but music, cars and video game shit. But it's crazy how they leap on anything--if I make a comment on, say, a public news article on The Washington Post's facebook page, sure enough on of my conservative friends, who I might not have talked to about politics for MONTHS, will sub-reply to it with the usual "BUT TRUDEAU!!!!!!" or "HER EMAILS!!!" It's fucking impossible to avoid.
Last edited by tigeraid; September 25th, 2017 at 11:54 AM.
But I mean, and this may sound insensitive but... I've NEVER struggled with issues like this, really? Other than a brief period in my teens when I was warring with my parents. I've always just been the guy who takes care of his shit. Hell, when I was just recently talking to Tara about it, one of her comments was "it's really weird, with all the anxiety problems I've had, and the concussion scare, and all the other things--you're my "rock." You're the steady one who never freaks out and never gets angry/sad/depressed/whatever. And now you're dealing with depression right out of the blue."
I shouldn't HAVE anything to be stressed about, my life is damned near perfect. But since I started living healthier and more active, all I think about is spending time outdoors, doing outdoor things, traveling, seeing sights, and maybe doing something positive for the planet. Which is the exact opposite of how I'm living now.
I never did either until I had a few severe panic attacks out of nowhere...about a decade ago, so I was in my late 20's.
I do think there is something about us as a group that probably means most of us are struggling at times and that this place is a great distraction.
One thing I've figured out that works for me...
If there are things you want to change/improve, then either work on them or accept them as they are. Don't worry over things that aren't really that important.
I've learnt to accept stuff even if it's not my ideal. You can't have everything, go for the things that are most important and let go of the other stuff.
When I worry over something I tend to ask myself "could I live the rest of my life with it". And maybe the answer is yes. Don't have a great job, yeah but can I handle it while I improve other parts of my life?
Decide your priorities off what you really want, not what others want or have. Be prepared to acknowledge you might not get it all.
I'm single and probably will be for the rest of my life. It's not ideal, but I've looked into myself and know I can be happy that way. It's not that I've given up, more that it's not something I'm going to let drag me down.
Don't let it make you feel either way, just enjoy the journey. That's what I'm doing.
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