The "I'm Feeling Sad" thread

[neanderthal]

I don't really know what to say. I feel like just rationalizing things won't help that much, e.g., if things already suck, might as well do the things you want to do like write and do photography. Worst case scenario is it still sucks, but at least you like what you're doing?

I know we're just random people on the internet, but I think it's safe to say that we don't view you as a useful tool and we do give a shit about you, for whatever that's worth.

As Tom said, there are ways to indulge in writing and photography and share your work that will allow you to improve and be seen. Maybe it will lead to work later, or maybe it will just be an outlet that you enjoy. Tumblr, Instagram, your own blog, whatever. Doesn't matter if no one sees as long as you enjoy the process of doing it, and then one day it could be your portfolio regardless of follower/reader count.

As for feeling worthwhile, a great way to do that is to volunteer. There are places that need the help of manual labor, like a food bank or a soup kitchen, and giving of yourself to others is a well known way to improve ones feelings of self worth.

Good advice.

We all go through our own struggles (i'm not trivialising yours Rikadyn.) Sometimes we are equipped to deal with the things we are going through. Other times we aren't. Other times it feels like no matter what you do, nothing will change, and an overwhelming sense of dread just follows you around, shitting on you as you try to evade it and find a single ray of light, and hope.

I'm currently depressed right now. Have been for a couple of months. Part of it is the existential struggle. Part of it is this COVID shit that prevents us from socialising, travelling, getting out, etc. It's been a very long last twelve months. Part of it is it's fucking winter, and I hate winter. The lady that tried to murder me two years ago, because whatever was on her cell phone was more important than paying attention to the road. My backs fucked (and i'm pretty sure it got fucked because I got depressed and stopped caring. I was lax about stretching, and exercising, just going through the motions and trudging forward one step at a time. And that that period is exactly when I managed to harm my back when previously i'd been on a real positive upswing healthwise.) I need another $10000 injection. The fact that that shit is still ongoing; they're trying to settle the case as the statute of limitations is (now) over. They sued to maintain the statute as the anniversary was during our snowpocalypse. They're confident it'll be settled soon. I have to tell myself that I didn't ask to be rear ended. I didn't ask to have to give up so much of what I loved and enjoyed, etc.

I get through by trying to enjoy one thing a day. It doesn't have to be a big thing. It can be a favorite desert for dinner. 30 mins of solitude with a nice book. Helmet time on my bike/ seat time in the car. Loud music. A guilty pleasure movie on Netflix. Even a comic book or Dr Suess. Etc. I immerse myself in that enjoyable moment of the day. I relish it and try to record and revel in the sensations that give me calm/ pleasure. I'm looking forward to things in a post covid world. I threaten my friends i'm going to visit them when it's all done, to stay safe and get through it, because I want to see them when this is over. It helps that they are all over the country and that satisfies my wanderlust at the same time. I continue to seek out new destinations for my "around the world in the USA" tour. I envisage new things to do and try when this is all over.

Clips from Chappelle Show are quick fix. Laughter is the worlds best medicine as the saying goes.

But, i'm ok. Ish. I'll get through because I desperately want to go "home," see my dad, revel in the African sun, and reset whatever it is that ails me. Travel to Zimbabwe though, right now, 28 hours on a plane to my hometown, is a no no. I don't want to be cooped up that long with 200 of my closest strangers.

I don't know if any of that helps, but enjoying one thing daily has helped me. I'm about to go have some sticky toffee pudding and ice cream as dinner. Not for dessert after dinner, but AS dinner. Fuck my high blood pressure and all that. I've been looking forward to this treat.

Reach out if you need someone to vent to. I'm not the best listener (i start interjecting with solutions) but I care enough to make an effort. You'll get through this.

[neanderthal]

I can't speak from experience, but I have a friend who's been thru some rough patches, who now considers himself, first and foremost, a fiction writer. That, he says, is his main job, although he has other income-generating activities, but he decided that he was going to be a novelist and he puts that in the center of his life because that's what brings him joy. I think he is a pretty good op-ed writer, but he says that political journalism is too distracting and he only does it to pay the bills.

That's a great midset. Reorienting things in this way is a good way to focus on what's important.

I may work at costco but my avocation is traveller. Working allows me to enjoy my "hobby."

[neanderthal]

That was diabetes on a plate, but fuck did it hit the spot.

I normally wolf my food down (I'm not a foodie but I have a vicious sweet tooth.) but I lingered over every delicious sweet morsel of my dinner. I already feel better.

[Rikadyn]

I don't really know what to say. I feel like just rationalizing things won't help that much, e.g., if things already suck, might as well do the things you want to do like write and do photography. Worst case scenario is it still sucks, but at least you like what you're doing?

I know we're just random people on the internet, but I think it's safe to say that we don't view you as a useful tool and we do give a shit about you, for whatever that's worth.

To be honest I work under the assumption that if I were to stop posting that I would drop from the group consciousness in the span of 6 months and individual consciousness of the people that I have anything more than a surface level relationship in the span of a year. Mind you it does mean that I don't think that you actively hate me(maybe some exceptions), which is what I assume with my other friends and thus am too scared to ever try to really talk to them anymore.

My problem with "just doing it" is that I still need to live and I have next to no support or resources to lean on here. I could start and I have been trying between struggling since January to build a website. But then I will find myself analyzing how little I know about how to actually do it, which then leads to what is called imposter syndrome. Which is a real ball breaker when you already have depression.

As Tom said, there are ways to indulge in writing and photography and share your work that will allow you to improve and be seen. Maybe it will lead to work later, or maybe it will just be an outlet that you enjoy. Tumblr, Instagram, your own blog, whatever. Doesn't matter if no one sees as long as you enjoy the process of doing it, and then one day it could be your portfolio regardless of follower/reader count.

As for feeling worthwhile, a great way to do that is to volunteer. There are places that need the help of manual labor, like a food bank or a soup kitchen, and giving of yourself to others is a well known way to improve ones feelings of self worth.

Enjoying the process...I wish I could really enjoy anything. If I even try to smile it feels forced and a lie. I feel worse about my photography and most of my writing comes in the form of poetic alternative to slitting my wrists. Which in turn makes me very sensitive about them, even if I am prone to post them in the spur of the moment to FB...

Volunteering isn't something I am opposed to, but it's something that I would already need to be in a better place to do. Most of my job experience is manual labor and there are issues there...

I can't speak from experience, but I have a friend who's been thru some rough patches, who now considers himself, first and foremost, a fiction writer. That, he says, is his main job, although he has other income-generating activities, but he decided that he was going to be a novelist and he puts that in the center of his life because that's what brings him joy. I think he is a pretty good op-ed writer, but he says that political journalism is too distracting and he only does it to pay the bills.

Problem is the "Income generating activities"

Every job I have had since graduating Uni has been the same kind of job. Low pay high work. Except for brief stint as a cashier, they have been temp-to-hire factory jobs. I feel that is the only thing I am really qualified for (because to make my degree worthwhile turns out you need a masters it seems) and they tend to cause more issues.

My average day would be wake up 2-3hrs before my alarm, struggle to fall back asleep. Wake up with the alarm dead tired from lack of sleep and inadequate sleep, shower, drag myself back to bed after getting dressed to start fighting the urge to just not go. Get in car, get to work 30mins early because if I wait around I might just not go, sit in car for 30mins and cry. Force myself to go in, wait for work to begin, work, while slipping off to the bathroom as much as possible either because my stomach doesn't want to behave (which can be a symptom of anxiety/depression) or to just cry for 5mins before heading back to work. rinse repeat for the work day. Go home, smoke a joint, maybe eat, go to bed at 8pm in hopes of getting a total 6hrs sleep before the 6am alarm.

Basically if the work isn't mentally engaging, no amount of physical exertion is going to pull me out of my head, and any manual task I can tend to do on auto-pilot, leaving me plenty of time to drag myself down, even worse is when I start worrying about losing the job I hate because I know the alternative is starvation and homelessness.

It also doesn't help to realize that when you work for someone else, your labor is exploited to earn your boss a larger salary when they are content on paying you the least that they can. Profits are unpaid wages after all.

So I need a job that is both engaging and preferably adds some sort of reason to exist, which is why I look at photography and my therapist suggests writing as well because then I am doing something people(obviously not me) think that I have skill in.

Unfortunately none of it really works on a resume, and I really don't want to work for anyone anyway.

It's not that I am limiting myself to a specific style or writing or photography, if I could get multiple income streams working it'd be great, even if I needed a part time job to make ends meet, but I need to have something set up that is fufilling or potentially fufilling otherwise I would just end up in the cycle of Wake Up> Work> Go to bed that I have been stuck in before Covid.

And this is really before you get into the mess of my actual interpersonal relationship issues and their effect on depression and anxiety.

Edit: Also my previous post was something I was actually going to send to my therapist, I don't think she quite understands everything after 3yrs...

[FaultyMario]

I once lost a teaching job because instead of going to the school's admin office to do some paper work I spent a week or two driving to work but never entering the parking lot. I would just drive around until I found some shade tree to park under for a couple of hours.

I wish I remembered how I got out of that cycle.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Hey, I often feel that most in this forum don't understand me. Heck, sometimes I feel like even my wife doesn't understand me. However, at least Jesus understands me.

Understanding or misunderstanding is one thing. You know depression and anxiety are taking over your hope and joy... and that is a major problem, but you don't know how to get out of it... you don't even think your therapist can help...

What do you have to lose by turning to Jesus?

He promised that ask and you shall receive. Under such circumstances, if you ask for help from Jesus and none is given, then we can be sure that Jesus can't help and probably isn't real. But I still think it's worth a try. What ever little faith and hope that you have, earnestly ask Jesus to help you make them bigger. Help nudge you forward, one step at a time...

All I can do is pray along with you. Good luck man!

If there's anything else you need, feel free to contact me. I, and I'm sure everyone in this forum, will be more than willing to lend whatever helping hand we can give. Take care!

[Kchrpm]

I understand that depression makes it hard to do things and enjoy things, but it makes it hard to do EVERYTHING. You have to try to push through and do the things that will keep and potentially make it easier later. Depression just keeps telling you that you can't do anything, and there's no solution if you just keep accepting it.

There's no single thing you can do that will flip the switch and make you feel better. You have to decide that you want to fight against depression, and then do it. You apparently hate how it makes you feel, do you hate it more than you would hate looking for someplace to volunteer? Maybe they need manual labor, maybe they need someone to answer phones, maybe they need someone to do data entry, there will be something somewhere that you can do.

Will it be uncomfortable? Yes, but so is the depression. Will you want to stop? Yes, but you also want to stop the depression. Will it fix things immediately and completely? No. But it gives you a chance, which just continuing to say no to everything will not do.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Kchrpm spoke the truth.

However Jesus Christ is full of not only truth, but also grace. Most importantly he is love!

We are emotional beings. Logic and reason are usually not driving and motivating us compared to emotions such as fear and hatred and anxiety...

So the only way to counter those negative emotions is... love!

Dude, Jesus loves you and we all love you! You can do it! We believe in you! We are cheering you on and praying for you. We are all also extending our hands. Hold on! Don’t give up!

[FaultyMario]

Yeah, billi... um... I don't think a full-on Leninist like Holden enjoys the gospel as much as you do.

[Rikadyn]

I don't think a full-on Leninist like Holden enjoys the gospel as much as you do.

I do not nor ever prescribed to leninism. I'm an anarchist.