Hopelessly and helplessly addicted. Not something I'm proud of. I never do it around the kids, (though they both know), never do in the house, and never in the new car...well not yet at least.
Started in the mid-nineties as a social habit. Smoking on the patio of nightclub was a great way to meet girls. Socially, it tends to bring people together, (probably it's only good quality).
I began full-time around 1999. In 2002 I quit for about two years, then started again. Then in 2005 I quit again for a year, but of course started again. In 2010 I quit for a month or so, (New Year's resolution), as I wanted to test the 21-day myth of changing a habit. Sadly, it didn't happen for me. 2010-present is the longest I've gone without quitting. I did try 'vaping' but that lasted only a week...and I think I quit for a day last year.
Just to give you a hint at how insidious this habit is...my entire day is planned around when I'll have the opportunity to smoke. When I'm denied that opportunity, I'll get irritable as if there's a conspiracy against me. I love taking the old car to work so I can smoke. I'll deliberately take the long way home, or to the store so I can smoke some more. I'm always looking to squeeze an extra smoke in whenever possible. When I'm not smoking it feels like I'm missing out on something. When I do smoke I barely notice that I'm doing it. Go figure.
What does the family think? Well my parents stopped criticizing me about it a long time ago. I'm a 39-year-old man now, so they're not going say anything about it ever again. Wife is at that point now too. Kids don't seem to have an opinion yet. I sometimes wonder what they think of the stench that's become part of my bodily aura...to them I guess that's just the way dad smells.
I often think about how my life could change for the better if I just quit. Health-wise it goes without saying...being 39, I'm getting close to the age where continuing with this 'cool' habit could bring some disastrous results. Maybe I'm pushing my luck. But then again I have an uncle, (don't we all have one of those?), who has been smoking his whole life and is now almost 70, and he seems to be doing just fine still smoking a pack a day, (I hope I didn't just jinx him). Financially too, I could save between $300-400 a month if I just gave it up. That's how much I spend on smokes and all the ancillaries that go with it: scratch and win lotteries, coffee, gas, lighters, etc. All the financial and health benefits that I could be enjoying seem to have ZERO impact on me at the convenience store when I'm buying my next pack(s). They're about as unimportant to me in the moment as the looks of disdain from passersby when I'm enjoying a smoke. I scoff and wave it off, as in my eyes, I'm a star.
It's a trap.
Pretty sad, huh? I envy those of you who never started in the first place. You're not missing out on ANYTHING special.
Any suggestions on how to kick the habit?