The "I'm Feeling Sad" thread

[G'day Mate]

After just finding out that our mate Bill Davidson ("overpowered" to us) decided to end his own life I thought it would be good to start a thread here where we can talk openly about any troubles we may have. This community is probably as good a place as any to bring up such things, and this thread should always remain a safe place.

[Crazed_Insanity]

I feel sad that Neanderthal always picks on me... or even when he's not picking on me, he'd ignore me... I'm just sad that I piss him off with seemingly every word that I say.

BTW, who was the very 1st GTFXer to kick the bucket? Was it Wagsboy? I think he's the 1st that I remembered... can't believe so many have passed on over the years...

Anyway, enough about sad stuffs... I wonder who will be the last person to turn the lights off at this place. ;)

[G'day Mate]

I wasn kinda hoping this would be the one thread where we didn't make light of things

[Yw-slayer]

I don't think he is making light of it. I'm sure he is actually unhappy. Let's not judge why he feels that way.

[G'day Mate]

Maybe up until the last bit.

And yeah I think it was Wags FWIW, at least among the regulars.

[dodint]

I'm not sad, per se. But between my new(ish, now, it's been 10 months) job, law school, FIL passing, and debt/depletion of savings from moving across country twice in two years the stress is starting to manifest itself through physical symptoms. Only time and stability will make it better as I'm not a 'pump me full of happy drugs' kind of person. I'm just so tightly wound it's making me sick which just makes the other stuff more difficult to manage.

If you see one of those 'most stressful life events' lists the wife and I have checked off most of them in the last few years. And she's just starting her doctorate. Blah.

[Sad, little man]

Almost none of you know me very well, and it's not because I don't like you, I just have a hang up about being open with people I don't know very well. Things with me are worse than any of you know, but I don't discuss it because I feel that the only person who can legitimately give me the answers I need is myself, so dragging others into it only makes them feel bad, and results in a net negative in emotion, because I feel no better, and others feel worse. I'm probably going to be ok, eventually.

I know I'm not a huge jackass on here, but I'm sorry for times I am abrasive, especially when it comes to taking about photography stuff. Ask anyone who's actually met me, I'm not at all like that in real life. I don't know why I can be on here.

[sandydandy]

Almost none of you know me very well, and it's not because I don't like you, I just have a hang up about being open with people I don't know very well. Things with me are worse than any of you know, but I don't discuss it because I feel that the only person who can legitimately give me the answers I need is myself, so dragging others into it only makes them feel bad, and results in a net negative in emotion, because I feel no better, and others feel worse. I'm probably going to be ok, eventually. You pretty much summed up my life.

When I met you in person many years ago you seemed like an ordinary guy. I always thought "sad, little man" was a playful, self-deprecating moniker, didn't know there was real sadness behind it. I hope you get through whatever troubles you're dealing with. I wish that for everyone who's going through shit, myself too.

[MR2 Fan]

Full disclaimer= I am medicated...not for depression but for panic attacks. However, the medicine I take, Zoloft (generic) has worked wonders for my state of well being. I used to get embarrassed over the smallest things, and would feel overwhelmed with stress and it has helped immensely. I am NOT a fan of medicating people as the first option but just wanted to mention it.

Having said that, I have had a rough few months, just dealing with finances, car breakdowns, fiancee breaking up with me, and other things.

My situation is a bit unique because I have a MAJOR project I am working on and it is keeping me motivated because if it succeeds, I will be in a much better place financially and won't be stuck in the same job I've been stuck at for 15 years.

I cannot speak for others, but I will give a few tips about dealing with some things:

- Focus on improving your diet if you eat crappy food (and can afford healthier options). Though I'm not great at taking my own advice, I'm very sensitive to certain chemicals and they can change my mood greatly. Caffeine especially changes my stress levels as I can only take small amounts (no regular coffee for me)

- Go for a walk or a drive to clear your mind of things....walking is exercise and driving is fun if its not in traffic

- If you're feeling overwhelmed, write down your concerns...all of them...and try to go through them somehow to fix or ignore them. Occasionally I'll realize that I'm not in a good mood, but don't remember why. I then take time to think about what caused it and decide whether it really should be affecting me or not.

- Modern life is full of challenges, full of distractions and artificial things. Always try to get enough sleep, without your smartphone next you all night.

- Another problem is trying to live up to others expectations...decide whether it's worth it to impress certain people or not.

[Sad, little man]

Sorry, I've forgotten who you are, you changed your name on here, right? Sandeep is that you?

Anyway, bear in mind that I made this username back in 2001 (holy shit!). Lots have changed since then. It was initially made as a playful, self-depreciating moniker. But yeah, anyway, I need to figure my shit out, because I am never going to be happy wasting my life away sitting behind a desk all day like this. Something's gotta change, but it's so easy to just keep collecting a pay check.

[sandydandy]

Sorry, I've forgotten who you are, you changed your name on here, right? Sandeep is that you? Yup. Thought it would be obvious. :) Sandy has been my nickname all my life. My dad started calling me that as a kid, then over the years others jumped on board, (mostly to mock me). After many years of annoyance, I've just embraced it.

[SkylineObsession]

I've probably mentioned it in past iterations of this place, but i got diagnosed with depression probably over a decade ago. Dad has it too, and one of my brothers has it also, but worse than me.

Always feel that there is someone out there you can talk to, don't keep things bottled up as it'll make everything worse eventually.

[GB]

I think we're all going to be a bit surprised at how many of us struggle with mental battles. A large percentage of us don't think in the same manner as "the masses". It could be part of the reason we like to hang out with each other and have stuck around. But anyway, in my non-scientific personal observations, people who tend to think 'outside the box' a bit are wired differently. And *I* think that an unwanted characteristic of this is anxiety / depression.

Anyway, more later.

Signed,
"Cymbalta medicated since 2005" GB

[Godson]

I never had anxiety, depression, or anything else until I had my accident.

I feel like I have been open with you guys in my thread, when I didn't want to blast it on FB. Because let's be honest, very little comes from fb, etc. that is worthwhile.

I will say this though. MR2 hits the nail on the head, I was heavily medicated for anxiety, sleep issues, and pretty much everything you can think of, and I am not a medication taker. I try to handle it in other fashions.

If something is really bothering you, get a plan of action figured out for whatever it is. When the plan fails, don't let it destroy you. Pick the pieces up if you can, and give it another go. Life is full of shitty circumstances, and sad things that you can't change. Accept the things you can't change, and fight like hell for the ones you can.

Also, I am almost always available. You can message me on here, or on FB. Hell, I'll even go as far to hand out my number as long as I can "hide" it in plain sight. (Would the spoiler tag prevent random people who aren't members the ability to see it?)

[MR2 Fan]

Something else I wanted to add...I was bullied recently.....yes....at 39 years old, by the brother in law of my ex-fiancee.

Things got a bit heated after the break up and her older brother in law, who's American but lives in the Philippines started to go crazy on me via FB messenger....talking about how much of a loser I am who probably plays video games all day and can't believe I'm stupid enough to start a 3D printing business....and that he owns his own big business or some shit. It was quite amazing, really. I've met this person exactly ONCE and apparently he was mad because my ex was mad...and he decided to take it all out on me.

It felt like high school again. All I could tell him is that he knows nothing about me or the situation, but it was still shocking. I have my own place, a nice car, a good job and lots of goals and motivation. Oh, and he made fun of me that I'm not skinny like him.

I was happy overall though....because even though he was mostly wrong, I could only use that as fuel to keep moving forward on my business because it's going to be THE BOMB, and I want to prove how incredibly wrong he is.

[Godson]

I was bullied by another nurse when I started working at my current job. It was text book horizontal bullying. I knew it when it started. She even took me aside when I was alone and read me the proverbial book on why I need to learn my place as a new nurse.

I told some of my fellow orientees about it, and they said I should go to management. I didn't, because I knew she would hang herself. She was a really shitty person, manipulated the hell out of a lot of people. She thought by attacking me, she would get me to thank her constantly for making me a better nurse, because she likely had it happen to her early in her career.

Fast forward a bit, and any chance I can talk to a new nurse, a nursing student, or anyone new in the field. I do. I talk them up, encourage them. Because this field, and the profession of nursing, needs all the help it can get. We have had a history of reading our young for far too long, and it needed to stop here with me.

She was fired not long after I had my accident for her tactics and aggressive behaviors. Management asked me if I had asked me if I had any issues with her, and I told them everything. They were shocked, and sad I didn't talk to them. I said the problem would fix itself, and it did.

[CudaMan]

slm,

I don't know what's going on really but I want to say I think it's a great idea to have someone to lean on, or a support network. Whatever helps keep us grounded and sane. My dad had depression and I've occasionally had symptoms in life as well (never diagnosed) and I know that trying to self-think your way out of it almost never works. Finding people to talk to, even if they're suffering too, can help. Be it family, friends, church or other group. People who actually care won't see you sharing as a burden.

And in general for anyone reading this thread who might have thought about it, suicide is never the way out.

[CudaMan]

I'll go ahead and share some shit in this thread since this seems to be the last place on the net where I have much of any privacy.

2017 has been a really tough year.
1) I lost my dream job, the one thing I'm good at and one of the toughest businesses to get into and stay in. The timing of it meant that I was pretty much going to have to sit out for a year and survive on coaching or odd jobs. Which I didn't end up making much time for because:
2) my dad was diagnosed with cancer in the spring. He's 78 and not in the greatest of health. Lots of doctor visits, bad experience with a specialist that we decided to stop seeing, chemo, trips to Stanford (my parents don't drive on freeways).
And,
3) my gf and I had worsening issues. It was insanely difficult to try to manage or improve. Tons of time spent trying to talk through and get through our problems. I ended up breaking off the 3+ year relationship recently. It's extra sad because she has many outstanding qualities that shouldn't be taken for granted - loyalty, trustworthiness, a caring for others, not to mention she's a car nut. ;) Unfortunately I felt disrespected, ineffective, and very unhappy because of other personality traits she expresses with regularity. I still care for her but for a long time now, anytime I asked myself the big questions (whether to marry her and start a family) my immediate gut reaction was always no. Life would have been too difficult with her. It was so hard even when we had everything we needed in the good times. She hasn't worked in a couple years (to speak of) and had nowhere to go locally for free, so I moved in with my parents and let her live in my house while she made a plan. I bought her out of the silver Z to give her some money to move.

My dad had his surgery last week and the pathology report two days ago came back looking good, so my family and I are breathing a sigh of relief for sure. Being a full time nurse just for 1 patient for 3-4 days was hard enough. I don't know how real nurses do it. They're a very special kind of people. Mad respect (looking at you Tyler).

And T leaves this weekend.

2017: the year of upheaval and uncertainty.

Everyone has things to go through. This has all combined to help me feel a lot of self doubt and anguish. Spent weeks just ruminating in my head around and around. At some point one has to stop thinking about heavy things and be able to have normal thoughts again. Like "hey this is a cool park, I wonder what I'll discover around the next corner" instead of "why can't life be X or Y" or "I suck and I can't find happiness anywhere."

I've started studying some psychology and relationship stuff on my own. Confirms at lot of things I knew, which tells me I'm not crazy, but I've also been learning a lot of new things too.

[Cam]

Sorry to hear of your troubles, my friends. :( Everyone struggles now and then. Back when I first met Lori, it turned out to be a bad time for me. Not because of Lori, but because the studio I worked at for about six years closed permanently and my motorcycle was stolen, which both happened pretty close together. It was a while before I got a job at another studio. I almost quit animation altogether. It was a low for me. However, I eventually got a new job, got married to my wonderful gal and things turned around.

One of my bros fell into depression at one point when his marriage fell apart. That caused his business to fail. However, he sought help, got counselling and went on meds for a while. He worked a shitty job for several years just to pay the bills until he eventually got a good job. He and his wife got back together and things are going great for him now. It took years though.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you persevere, things will get better. Good luck my friends. :)

[Crazed_Insanity]

Wow! Tough year Cuda!

*hug*

Will keep your dad and your future career in my prayers...

Also look forward to having some psycho-relationship discussions with you in the future! ;)

[sandydandy]

Sorry for your troubles, Cuda. I hope your dad gets well.

As for me, I don’t know what to say except that my problems all fall under the umbrella of uncertainty for the future. Problems are a part of life, and they’ve usually been manageable, but lately they’re coming from every direction, and it’s getting hard to cope. I wish I could go into details, but there would be no turning back. I’m being intentionally vague because I’d rather not dump my shit on anyone. I get SLM’s view of not wanting to share stuff because it might make others feel bad. Just gotta try to stay positive and work it out.

I will say that I came upon a startling realization just in the last week or so. I’m going to be 42 in a couple of weeks, which means I’ll be 23 years away from retirement. I was thinking back to what I was doing 23 years ago, and boy was life different. I was getting started in my first year of (community) college, studying to become some form of accountant. Didn’t really have a solid plan for the future at that time, but always thought I’d be alright. It’s been a mixed bag ever since. I’m somewhat dreading the next 23 years, but I think as long as I believe I’ll be alright, I will be. I’ve probably kicked myself 23 times for not going back to high school for that one extra year, so I can upgrade my marks in order to get into university...but no sense in continuing to hang onto that. Can’t change the past. It is what it is.

[Leon]

I'm 44, and still have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Though, I'm not sure if that makes me sad, or happy ....

[Yw-slayer]

Take care, guys, and Bryan, I feel for you man.

[Kchrpm]

I'm chilling out at home all day, burning through severance playing video games and submitting resumes while I look for a new job. Had some great interviews that I'm waiting to hear back on.

[Kchrpm]

I'm guessing this is all apparent to you already, Cuda, but you're kind of coming up golden over the larger scale. You may not have the dream job anymore, but you have a lifetime of great storytelling for all those crazy experiences. You dodged a bullet by transforming a long time girlfriend into another potentially great friend instead of forcing yourself into a bigger thing that would screw you up even more later. I'm sure your whole family is finding even more appreciation for life and your dad specifically.

I mean, you're drowning in silver linings, d00d!

Also, when I win the lottery, you will be free to be the lead driver for Grapevine Motorsports! #itcouldhappen #idontplaythelottery

Leon -
It makes you you. And you are whatever you really want to be. So, like, don't worry be happy? *whistles*

[CudaMan]

It's true, life could be far worse. I have everything I need (food, shelter, health). And yet this year I've found it hard not to focus on disappointment. I've never thought of myself as a pessimist in life. I've often been the one to point out silver linings to others. I guess it's harder to do this for oneself than to do it for others. Lately I start thinking about how I have no backup career (I was practically flipping burgers before I got lucky and won a crazy video game competition), haven't been able to leverage the 2016 season's success and momentum into a ride (mostly because I haven't tried due to the things I mentioned earlier, but also literally no one outside of friends and family has expressed even the slightest interest in me being in a car other than a handful of fans and my old boss who doesn't have the budget to put me in a car anymore), how I'll likely never be able to make a comfortable living or even retire, or ever have decent health insurance, which leads me to believe it would take a miracle of a woman to have any interest in being with me (I've always wanted to start my own family), especially as I'm 36 now and not looking the greatest and I figure the vast majority of good women around my age are already taken (and those who aren't probably have big tough issues *and* biological clocks going off like crazy). And so on. I so easily feel like I've missed the boat on life. It's not over yet but indicators aren't very good, and I find motivation extremely difficult to come by in recent months. Everything seems like a huge mountain to climb because I'm convinced I'm not smart enough, hardworking enough, likable enough, and so on. It's a sucky thing to feel. I'm seriously considering seeing a psychologist or therapist or something, which is expensive, which is difficult to put money towards when I've basically not worked in a year (and never made much to begin with) and have been a provider for 3 years. Smart thing to do is sell both 350Zs and go down to one cheaper daily, and use the leftover money to fund a "stop sucking" program for myself. My memory is failing me big time which also worries me a lot.

Anyway...


Will keep your dad and your future career in my prayers...

Also look forward to having some psycho-relationship discussions with you in the future! ;)
Thanks Billi, for my Dad. I'm not generally one to talk about relationship stuff except with very close friends and family, I wasn't even sure I should post anything here. But my PM box is always open and in my time of searching, I value genuine opinions and advice.

[SkylineObsession]

I think the problem with a career on the seat of a race car is the fact that there's just SO many racers out there now, and usually it's the young sh1ts that have the best reflexes etc and are at the age where fitness isn't as much of a struggle (not sure if thats the right word) that get all the drives/seat time, and so on.

You did insanely well going from videogames and the occasional (?) clubman (?) type racing you were doing, to competing at a pretty high level. They always say it's a tough game, and usually that revolves around money. Just look at WRC. NZ's best ever rally driver Haydon Paddon has been racing in the top level of WRC for a couple years now with Hyundai, with a small amount of podium finishes and one win under his belt. He's had a bad run this year with little incidents and mechanical probs (hhhmmm, just like Scott Dixon), but in the last (or second last) rally the team decided to replace him with a spare driver in the hope they'd get further up the leaderboard in that event - despite Hayden finishing ahead of the other two Hyundai drivers the event before...

Something else may come up in the future, but if not then you've still got all that you've already done, which maybe you could turn into a book or something. It sucks, but if it was easy then people like me would be race drivers too (i can't be bothered with all the fitness, PR stuff and so on - so it's not for me).

As for the relationship thing, i had very similar thoughts etc when i was in my late 20's, then one day i met my future wife at honestly the last place i'd ever think it would happen. She signed up on our car club forums and came along to a meet one day in her Skyline, and a year later (2008) we were an item.

So don't give up too much hope around that either, just make sure you don't sit around the house like i used to as it severely reduces your chance of meeting someone. ;)

[Rare White Ape]

Sounds like you’ve learned first hand how fickle the sporting world is, especially one as expensive as motorsports. Without corporate backing (or a big inheritance) at that level you’re out on your arse. I’m not sure on the details behind Sony’s involvement, but it seems like they weren’t as serious in the US as they are in Europe.

But hey, there’s a good GT3 category in Australia. Send a few emails!

[SkylineObsession]

Or message the man who owns the series directly. ;)
https://www.facebook.com/TonyQuinnOfficial

[Kchrpm]

Cuda -
Agreed. Very hard not to focus on disappointment, that big concrete wall on the outside of the turn. Takes will and training to keep your eyes up and down the road, but you've done it before and I think you can do it again.

With the popularity of streaming on the rise, I have a feeling that you could supplement any income you have from a normal job with a little bit o' extra internet money.

A therapist would be good, but would be even better if you had health insurance paying for it. Maybe local/community college for an associates in business and/or marketing, get an entry-level glad-handing job at something car or motorsport-affiliated where you can have those great stories go to work for you, and let your steady happiness lead you naturally to a place where you're so comfortable with your life that women are drawn to you and retirement just means taking half the year off.

Also, none of this would have happened if you had hired me as your hype man ;)

[FaultyMario]

Yeah, a manly handshake and a fierce look into your eyes over the internet.
Or, a big hug and a kiss. We be humans and that shit feels good when you're down.

So much shit going on in my head... but one that I keep coming back to is my own dysthymia diagnosis and the need to stabilize my income to go into the the treatment with the security that I won't have to cut it halfway. So anyway... thanks for sharing everyone.

[tigeraid]

Alright, I guess I'll tip my hat in, because I have no idea what's wrong with me, except that I'm the living embodiment of First World Problems.

So two years ago, I lose 100 lbs. Best shape of my life, exercising and eating right, all that good stuff. Feel restless, as a result, and getting kinda sick of city life, so we move out to the Ranch. One full year, still feeling pretty good, Tara gets a new dog as well.

Dog turns out to be a nightmare, aggressive, bitey, difficult to train, totally not what she expected, she's in over her head. Loveable and happy 90% of the time, nuts the other 10%--and a threat to our smaller, older dog. He's also massively annoying and barkey, which stresses me way out. After getting bit yet again last week and having to get antibiotics for it, we're finally going to try re-homing him.

We have a (basically) 1hr commute, which is also way more than we expected. So while we love the house overall, love the property, the commute is killing me--ironically, we move to the country to be more relaxed and quiet, only to find we drive in horrible stop-and-go rush hour traffic every day. So between that and the regular day-to-day chores and shit, and my regular exercise, my weekdays are basically gone.

While I say "I love my job" at NAPA, it's getting harder to say it. For the last two years we had a complete idiot on the counter with us who made all of our jobs more difficult; no clue what he was doing, losing sales, pissing off customers, all with a maddening Ned Flanders-esque happy-go-lucky attitude. Basically spent every day grinding my teeth listening to every single thing he said and did. Boss finally managed to get him demoted to work out back, which has me hoping I feel better at work. I like everyone else I work with, I am exceedingly good at my job, and the pay is excellent.

All of this, plus the modern state of the world/politics and god knows what else has led me to be pretty depressed for about a year... Quite by accident (but not surprisingly), every single person on my circle of friends here is right-wing, probably because they're all working in automotive. So I can't go five minutes without hearing about "the fucking Muslims" or "they need to arrest Justin Trudeau" or "Trump is pretty great" or whatever the fuck. All of it makes me feel like shit, and arguing gets me nowhere.

My mind is constantly worrying about things, constantly jumping around in my head. I used to be able to focus on things but find it really hard to now. Browsing and social media brings more anxiety, brings lots of clicking and scrolling without ever really paying attention.

It seems to have manifested in really bad physical symptoms. You know that lump you feel in your throat when you're scared, sad or really anxious? I have that all day, every day. It also brings with it weird burping, jaw aches, chest aches and headaches. The doctor did a RAFT of tests, including ultrasound, CT and shoving a scope down there. They found yeast in my esophagus, and prescribed some yellow goop to swallow to fix that. As far as we know that's been solved, but it looks like it might be unrelated, because all the symptoms are still there. It's also now started causing my ears to randomly clog/crackle/pop too. NOTHING I eat has any bearing on it at all.

So now the doctor is thinking it might be caused by stress or anxiety instead. The key is, it is MASSIVELY worse during periods of stress, particularly at work on a busy day, and even worse when driving home in rush hour. The more calm I feel, the better it gets. When I'm doing physical activity, whether it's actual exercise or even just working on a car or raking leaves, it's almost non-existent, just a little lump feeling in my throat. The only time I feel positive or happy is when I'm working out, doing physical labour, or lying in bed losing myself in a good movie or TV show.

I just took two weeks off in a row for the first time in several years, and felt significantly better (at least physically.) First day back at work today, symptoms are bad again, though slightly better I'd say.

I've never dealt with depression or anxiety in my life, ever. Tara has, so I have some idea of what's involved, but growing up around my parents and my kinda friends, the default response is "suck it up bitch, deal with it." My new-found fitness has me rethinking my life as a whole, wanting to travel more, get into the outdoors more, and thinking more and more about jobs in the environmental, natural or forestry industries. Which, given my whole life has been automotive, looks daunting and expensive.

Not really sure where to go with this now. Every single day I daydream about just jumping in the car and driving west, somewhere, anywhere to change my life. Can't do that with a wife and a house though, obviously. Plus the other half of my brain is screaming "Are you insane!? Well-paying job with a pension, loving wife, nice house in the country, reasonably good finances--quit whining!"

Maybe getting rid of the insane dog will help. Maybe when Tara finally gets her full license she can drive herself to work and I can avoid a major chunk of the commute.

Sorry to ramble. Maybe I need to look into a therapist.

[MR2 Fan]

yep, symptoms sound like stress to me.

I think most of us are more on edge with the new political situation

[novicius]

Sorry to learn about your father's health, Cuda. Hope he responds well to treatment!


...which leads me to believe it would take a miracle of a woman to have any interest in being with me (I've always wanted to start my own family), especially as I'm 36 now...
Seriously, if I can do it then literally anyone can. :lol:

[novicius]

All of this, plus the modern state of the world/politics and god knows what else has led me to be pretty depressed for about a year... Quite by accident (but not surprisingly), every single person on my circle of friends here is right-wing, probably because they're all working in automotive. So I can't go five minutes without hearing about "the fucking Muslims" or "they need to arrest Justin Trudeau" or "Trump is pretty great" or whatever the fuck. All of it makes me feel like shit, and arguing gets me nowhere.
Truth -- and it sucks. In my case, it doesn't help that I own the poster child car of the American Redneck either. :lol:

Arguing is probably just amping up the stress, tho'. :(

[tigeraid]

I made it a point to avoid all political talk "in the open" on facebook for that reason. Nothing on my wall now but music, cars and video game shit. But it's crazy how they leap on anything--if I make a comment on, say, a public news article on The Washington Post's facebook page, sure enough on of my conservative friends, who I might not have talked to about politics for MONTHS, will sub-reply to it with the usual "BUT TRUDEAU!!!!!!" or "HER EMAILS!!!" It's fucking impossible to avoid.

[tigeraid]

yep, symptoms sound like stress to me.

I think most of us are more on edge with the new political situation


But I mean, and this may sound insensitive but... I've NEVER struggled with issues like this, really? Other than a brief period in my teens when I was warring with my parents. I've always just been the guy who takes care of his shit. Hell, when I was just recently talking to Tara about it, one of her comments was "it's really weird, with all the anxiety problems I've had, and the concussion scare, and all the other things--you're my "rock." You're the steady one who never freaks out and never gets angry/sad/depressed/whatever. And now you're dealing with depression right out of the blue."

I shouldn't HAVE anything to be stressed about, my life is damned near perfect. But since I started living healthier and more active, all I think about is spending time outdoors, doing outdoor things, traveling, seeing sights, and maybe doing something positive for the planet. Which is the exact opposite of how I'm living now.

[MR2 Fan]

I never did either until I had a few severe panic attacks out of nowhere...about a decade ago, so I was in my late 20's.

[Dicknose]

I do think there is something about us as a group that probably means most of us are struggling at times and that this place is a great distraction.

One thing I've figured out that works for me...
If there are things you want to change/improve, then either work on them or accept them as they are. Don't worry over things that aren't really that important.
I've learnt to accept stuff even if it's not my ideal. You can't have everything, go for the things that are most important and let go of the other stuff.
When I worry over something I tend to ask myself "could I live the rest of my life with it". And maybe the answer is yes. Don't have a great job, yeah but can I handle it while I improve other parts of my life?
Decide your priorities off what you really want, not what others want or have. Be prepared to acknowledge you might not get it all.

I'm single and probably will be for the rest of my life. It's not ideal, but I've looked into myself and know I can be happy that way. It's not that I've given up, more that it's not something I'm going to let drag me down.

[speedpimp]

I'm 44, and still have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Though, I'm not sure if that makes me sad, or happy ....

Don't let it make you feel either way, just enjoy the journey. That's what I'm doing.

[SkylineObsession]

Get a cat tigeraid (no pun on your name intended), they are good stress relievers when smoochy. ;)

I don't talk politics anywhere usually if i can help it, as i too get sick of the arguments, rebuttals etc. I don't consider myself right or left wing (don't even know what they mean exactly either, and don't care to know), i just vote for/follow whoever has the policy/promises (fake ones usually) etc that i align to better.

But yeah, even though it'll be hard to realise/tell yourself etc, you do seem to have a lot of things going for you compared to a lot of other people (including people i know/some of my family), so don't give up. :) Talking to someone could help you pinpoint what exactly could be causing the stress.

[Tom Servo]

I made it a point to avoid all political talk "in the open" on facebook for that reason. Nothing on my wall now but music, cars and video game shit. But it's crazy how they leap on anything--if I make a comment on, say, a public news article on The Washington Post's facebook page, sure enough on of my conservative friends, who I might not have talked to about politics for MONTHS, will sub-reply to it with the usual "BUT TRUDEAU!!!!!!" or "HER EMAILS!!!" It's fucking impossible to avoid.

I actually think some recent changes to Facebook are causing this. I didn't used to see it, but now I constantly see posts from pages I don't subscribe to because someone I know "liked" it or commented on it. I saw one today where an FB friend I vehemently disagree with politically was commenting on something related to the current NFL protest thing. It was on some local news station to where he lives that I've never heard of.

Why the fuck do they insist on showing me this? It also makes me less likely to comment on things because he's the kind of person who will show up and reply and just generally make my day a pain in the ass, and I know he'll be shown anything I write on any page. It makes me less likely to share, and I find I interact with my friends less on there.

[novicius]

LoL how is Roofer these days? ;)

[Yw-slayer]

Tigeraid, try meditation. You can do the free trial of Headspace, which is awesome.

[Tom Servo]

LoL how is Roofer these days? ;)

Dammit, I'm trying to follow the rules by not naming said person.

Unsurprisingly, he was not happy with anybody kneeling.

Gotta say though, he's been a lot better about just being a normal person after I lost it a bit on him.

[MR2 Fan]

its amazing how a lot of conservatives love the first amendment until there's something they disagree with (and yes, I'll throw SOME lefties in this too, like trying to prevent conservative people from speaking at universities)

[Rare White Ape]

I'm a lot better adjusted nowadays after I gave up on checking FB every day. I decided a few months ago that the mental stress wasn't worth it.

Yes, I miss out on interacting with a lot of close friends that I don't get to see in person, but I've weighed that up in my head and found myself better off.

I have friends who follow both sides of the political spectrum, so I get a wide range of topics put forward. Somewhat ironically even the stuff from the lefty side (which I'd call myself a part of) gave me the shits.

I urge all of you to give it the flick. Facebook is the worst website ever made.

Yep, even worse than the Time Cube.

[Rare White Ape]

And speaking of ol' Roofer, I hid that dumb cunt's posts from my timeline years ago. His timeline is a mess of contradictions. Not worth the effort.

[Tom Servo]

I did too, but FB apparently doesn't care about that when it comes to other posts/pages that he likes/comments on. I just don't see his first-hand posts.

[MR2 Fan]

I have about 300 friends on FB and only follow about 4 people, so I don't really see posts of people I don't agree with

[dodint]

I never did either until I had a few severe panic attacks out of nowhere...about a decade ago, so I was in my late 20's.

I used to get them really bad when I was still in NC. Was transitioning from the military, Ash had cancer, other stuff. Lots of uncertainty with things. I haven't really had them for the last two or so years. I read your post yesterday and had a small one this morning. The power of suggestion is the weirdest thing.

[tigeraid]

Tigeraid, try meditation. You can do the free trial of Headspace, which is awesome.


Definitely thinking of it, but I have a very, very hard time sitting still since the weight loss. Always convinced I have to keep busy.


I would love to just give up facebook. Ironically I barely use it on my phone or at home, but I'm addicted to it at work. I sorta wish they'd just block it. But now NAPA has a "Social Media Presence," so....

[Kchrpm]

And speaking of ol' Roofer, I hid that dumb cunt's posts from my timeline years ago. His timeline is a mess of contradictions. Not worth the effort.

I just unfriended and/or blocked him. Actually, we may have never been friends on Facebook in the first place. Easy fix.

[Yw-slayer]

You MUST sit still. Just try it. If you can lift weights, you can sit down and take 10 minutes out of your day to listen and try and meditate. It's not easy, but few things that are worth doing are.

[tigeraid]

You MUST sit still. Just try it. If you can lift weights, you can sit down and take 10 minutes out of your day to listen and try and meditate. It's not easy, but few things that are worth doing are.


Any suggestions on videos or books/articles I can read to help do that?

[21Kid]

I did too, but FB apparently doesn't care about that when it comes to other posts/pages that he likes/comments on. I just don't see his first-hand posts.
The trick is to get him to block you. ;)

In regards to the main topic. I'm generally in a glad mood. There are some times where I get sad though. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Sometimes it gets difficult when I see other people doing normal family stuff. It also manifests itself when I am with my family or playing with my son. I always wonder why my dad didn't/doesn't care. (Has anyone seen Shameless? My dad wasn't 1/2 that bad, but there are quite a few similarities.) Conversely being better than my dad has been one of my major motivating factors throughout my life. Mostly just for myself. But, I love my kids and family so much that it baffles me how he is so apathetic.

And I constantly feel inadequate. I don't know how I got Shannon to stick around this long. We've had our ups and downs. It's been really tough while she's been in med school. And now she's at the hospital 6 days a week for 10-15 hrs. When she is home she is sleeping. I take care of the kids, the house, the bills, pretty much everything, while working full time, so she can follow her dream. And I can't complain about it because she works 60-80+ hrs a week.

[CudaMan]

One of my worries is that I have a lot of trouble getting my brain engaged lately. I know I'm not dumb but I find myself locked in a half-vegetative state far too often. I want to find a neurologist or something too to see if there's anything weird going on. This can often be a reason I won't respond to a thread here for a few days. I can't always summon the mental acuity to think up a response.

On politics: I don't have the stomach for it. I avoid it as much as possible except occasionally when I see what might possibly be reasonable discourse about ideology rather than people. Politics is entirely too much "us vs them" and too often filled with anger or hate disguised as passion. That's all I've got to say about all that.

On Facebook: it's a double-edged sword. I've realized for a while now I need to do something about it. It's not healthy. Lately I'm particularly sad whenever I see a photo of a happy couple or kids. It taunts me. And then there's all the useless stuff - the political drivel, the memes, the anger. There's even one guy I keep on my feed just to see what he says next that makes me feel better about myself, even though I know I should delete him (none of you likely know him btw). Kindof the same reason I used to watch COPS during summer break from school. If I thought I was screwed up I just had to look at what those people were doing. I know it's weird.

When my racing took off I never created an athlete or public figure page and started accepting friend requests left and right sometimes from people I didn't know. You can imagine my feed is weird now. My "friends" list is a mix of real friends, acquaintances, people in the industry, and a handful of fans. I'd like it to be more personal again and simplify my feed so I need to create that athlete page and invite people to follow me there, and then do a serious culling of my friends list on my personal page. It's a daunting task with probably a couple thousand 'friends' to go through.

FB is also a fun way to communicate with the autox family at large, and I still haven't worked out what I'm going to do about that yet. Where to draw the line and so on. Autoxers are good people, but if I keep them all in my friends list to stay up to date on what's going on in the autox world, I'll probably still be over 1,000 friends and my feed will still be too much.



Cuda -
Agreed. Very hard not to focus on disappointment, that big concrete wall on the outside of the turn. Takes will and training to keep your eyes up and down the road, but you've done it before and I think you can do it again.

If only life was as easy as racing!


With the popularity of streaming on the rise, I have a feeling that you could supplement any income you have from a normal job with a little bit o' extra internet money.
I don't see the opportunity here. Stream what, and where? I'm pretty introverted and not well spoken so I wouldn't make a decent host for my own show or anything.


Also, none of this would have happened if you had hired me as your hype man ;)
Unless you work for peanuts or Mid Ohio txs, I don't think I could afford it! :)


Definitely thinking of it, but I have a very, very hard time sitting still since the weight loss. Always convinced I have to keep busy.

There is a time for everything. A time to be productive, a time to be active, and a time to be still. It might help to create a space for that. Maybe a place in the garden or patio (if you don't have annoying sounds outside), or a quiet room without other stimulus.

I know it's all relative and we humans are too good at creating things to worry about (FWP), but from my perspective you have a lot to enjoy - a loving wife who doesn't drive you crazy, a solid job and future, a home of your own, improved health, etc.

[tigeraid]

One of my worries is that I have a lot of trouble getting my brain engaged lately. I know I'm not dumb but I find myself locked in a half-vegetative state far too often. I want to find a neurologist or something too to see if there's anything weird going on. This can often be a reason I won't respond to a thread here for a few days. I can't always summon the mental acuity to think up a response.


You're not alone there. Even a few years ago, I would argue incessantly on facebook, able to put my thoughts into words for pages on end. Used to do it on IRC. Hell, used to do it here and the Refuge in the infamous Religion threads. Now I find I read through a thread, and have all these disparate thoughts I want to put down into something cohesive, but maybe six out of ten times, I just close the the tab and move on, because I can't focus on it. Facebook is probably to blame, my "digital attention span" is getting shorter every day.


There is a time for everything. A time to be productive, a time to be active, and a time to be still. It might help to create a space for that. Maybe a place in the garden or patio (if you don't have annoying sounds outside), or a quiet room without other stimulus.



I know it's all relative and we humans are too good at creating things to worry about (FWP), but from my perspective you have a lot to enjoy - a loving wife who doesn't drive you crazy, a solid job and future, a home of your own, improved health, etc.


I appreciate that, Bryan. It's just pretty difficult to agree with all of that but then have these awful physical symptoms to deal with, y'know?


And I sympathize with your professional "plight." My racing career barely got off the ground either before crashing and burning, you at least made it to the semi-pro stage and seemed to have options. But motorsport is a really ridiculous industry right now, balanced on a financial knife-edge. Even if you "hit the big time" of Indycar/NASCAR/F1, your seat is never guaranteed anymore.

You have a knack for setups, is it not feasible to keep your foot in the door as a chassis guy so you can be there for opportunity?

[speedpimp]

The trick is to get him to block you. ;)



And that isn't a very hard thing to accomplish.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Wow... a lot of folks here are stressed out due to various circumstances and also feeling inadequate about self...

Hey, no exception here. Quite often I feel like I'm a failure as an engineer, as a husband, as a dad, as a son, as a Christian... heck even as a human being! If there's no love from Christ and family and friends and my cats..., quite honestly I'm not sure how I can go on at times. I suppose this is part of being human. We often fuck up... or maybe fucked by others, but what do we do after we fall flat on our faces? Just kill ourselves to stop the pain? Numb ourselves and pretend nothing's wrong? Or we just pick ourselves up and try again? We need love from others to help us lift ourselves up... also don't be stingy to lovingly help others out.

As with stress..., I'm probably also having problems with it because I'm developing high blood pressure... either thru stress or perhaps just old age... ;)

Still trying to control it naturally before taking BP medications. I think the best natural remedy for bring down blood pressure is still exercising. I've found that to be the most effective. Another equally effective remedy is going on a veggie diet. That actually brought my BP down to normal levels. However, it's just not very easy to maintain a pure veggie diet. Meditation works too, but I've found it to be the least effective..., but when you're not eating great and have no time to exercise..., these steady breathing exercises are probably the best options left...

Anyway, I also wish to say something to Cudaman, my only advise for you now is probably to stay fit. This way, you can be ready to hop back into a race car at a moment's notice. Even if you never hop back into a race car, staying fit is also good for you... and exercising will probably help keep those negative thoughts away. Who knows, you might even bump into some fitness loving chicks. ;)

And a little cheery pep talk for you..., you know, I really don't know any other GTXFer who's more likeable than you. Who here doesn't like you? Who here wasn't happy for you and pulling for you when you turned your dream into reality? Yeah, some element of luck was probably needed for you to win, but we all know you also have raw talent... and surely Bryan has what it takes to make it anywhere he sets his mind to it! Maybe you temporary down time is just God giving you a chance to spend some quality time with dad... Use this down time wisely.

Take the time to figure out how to better chase your dream... of course to also map out other possible fall back positions too. No need to go all in unless if you know the chance of winning is big!

Similarly with girls. Figure out what kind of wife you want 1st, that way you'll know when you meet her... and you'll waste less time dating girls who's not right for you. Most importantly, you don't want to end up marrying the wrong girl. It'd be much much better to be single than to be miserable with the wrong chick.

Lastly, I know human feelings are hard to control. It's easy to just tell somebody to stop feeling a certain way, but it's just hard to stop our feelings sometime...

Here's something I learned recently which can perhaps help you leverage your anxious feelings.... since we can't just stop our feelings, we can perhaps fool ourselves with our feelings! ;) Yes, anxiety and excitement are actually pretty much the same physiologically... only difference is in your brain. So all you have to do is trick your brain into thinking that you're excited, rather than anxious. I think this works best if you're about to deliver a speech to a big crowd, but I suppose it could work for you too. Next time when you feel anxious about your uncertain future, try to convince your brain to be excited about your yet to be shaped future!

Stay fit. Take the time to figure out what you want... and daily steadily inch toward those goals. I believe there's a lot more Bryan that we haven't seen yet! Good luck! (And I'm sure I can also expect you to take some time to do some good work about shaping your awesome future! :) )

[Crazed_Insanity]

BTW guys, I don't really send friend requests to other gtxfers... I'd only accept friend requests to those who don't really mind Billi on FB.... ;)

Anyway, roofer has never asked to be my friend... nor have I asked to be his friend..., but I just want to say that I still love roofer. :)

Another thing that makes me really sad is to continue to see GTXFers split for whatever reasons.

We used to have a utopia in cyberspace..., but I suppose just like Garden of Eden, it just cannot last.

[Kchrpm]

I don't see the opportunity here. Stream what, and where? I'm pretty introverted and not well spoken so I wouldn't make a decent host for my own show or anything.
You playing a racing game, on Twitch, Mixer or YouTube :) You don't have to make a big show out of it, you could just do something you would want to do anyway and stream it in the process. Start small, just do simple beginning/ending stuff saying what you're doing that day and talk through your thought process on major happenings in the races during or after them. See if you like it, if you're into it do more, if not just keep playing but without the streaming. When I race with the people from reddit, I just turn my stream on for the small chance Nate will watch and so I can go back and see anything noteworthy that may happen. It will never do anything financially for me, but it takes little to no additional effort on top of what I would be doing anyway.

[SkylineObsession]

I've only recently returned to Facebook (in terms of accepting or sending friend invites) after i gave up on it years ago due to people misreading/not getting things i say/e-arguments etc. Now i only have close family and one or two close friends, and one of wifeys friends. Someone here sent me a FR after i posted the USA pics online but i'm still in a trial period so unsure whether i'm sticking to this or giving it up again yet. Mark isn't my name either, but don't want to use my real name on there anymore either. Only use it to upload photos (screw you Photobucket) and not a lot else (i don't usually post status's's's's etc).

And definitely recommend clearing out your friends list Bryan and using it only for people you actually know/are proper friends with (family, workmates etc too), and then create a racer or whatever page (good for updating and reading peoples comments etc) or group (good for posting updates etc, and others can post updates too) or profile (if you can create a second profile if you're 'known' in the world - which you definitely are now). Sooner rather than later maybe, as it could help mentally knowing that you have a bit of breathing room back on FB.

And tigeraid, definitely nothing wrong with spending half an hour to an hour or so doing absolutely nothing. Park up and watch cars, people, trains, planes, clouds etc go by (being serious). Read a book/magazine etc. And so on.

[Leon]

Cuda ... have you considered maybe doing some youtubing on the stuff that that we see from you here in this forum?

So it's not just driving, but it's also your doing work playing with / setting up / grooming your cars, and maybe branch out to some of your friends cars.

So you drive somebody else's car at an event, and then maybe try some setup tweaks on their car afterwards. Stuff like that. It's the kind of thing that you present really well in your posts here, so might translate into video form too.

[21Kid]

And you take very good pictures of them too. If you can combine those skills, people would probably be interested.

And you can always reshoot-edit-voiceover things before posting it, until you get comfortable with how it looks/sounds.

You can always ask others what they do as well. Adam has been making his highmileage videos for quite some time. And others on here make beer videos. I'm sure they'd have pointers.

[dodint]

Cam films himself playing with his wood, too.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Anyway Cuda, I can't help but thinking that perhaps you're suffering from some sort of PDSD (Post Dreamgig Stress Disorder)! ;)

Here's TED talk I actually saw on FB today that talked about how we can befriend stress and anxiety!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcGyVTAoXEU

Our stress response is actually our bodies getting ready to rise to whatever challenges... and of course we are not alone in dealing with our challenges. Stick close with friends and family... and remember you also have all of us here! :)

Also remember that your dream gig may or may not be over..., and even if it's over, we can dream up other dream gigs! You can do it dude! Pretty sure the best is yet to come from Bryan!

[tigeraid]

And tigeraid, definitely nothing wrong with spending half an hour to an hour or so doing absolutely nothing. Park up and watch cars, people, trains, planes, clouds etc go by (being serious). Read a book/magazine etc. And so on.


Oh I read like a mutherfucker. If I have idle time, I spend it reading. Though I fully admit I find I read much slower than I used to and have to re-read pages because my focus isn't nearly as good as it used to be. It's a good stress reliever I suppose but I can't imagine I'm getting out of it what meditation would do.

[21Kid]

You'd be surprised.

Reading has been shown to put our brains into a pleasurable trance-like state, similar to meditation, and it brings the same health benefits of deep relaxation and inner calm. (https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/can-reading-make-you-happier)

I wish I did it more often. :sadbanana:

[dodint]

Go to law school. You'll enjoy plenty of deep relaxation and inner calm. Wait.

Nope, just the reading. Lots of it.

[G'day Mate]

A lot of you would have seen pictures of my son on Facebook. Amongst other issues he's not walking and almost two now. The other day we saw a geneticist who suspects he might have "Noonan Syndrome", albeit at the very mild end of the scale. They were talking about whether we should have more kids ... she's already pregnant again. I'm shouldering everything for us at the moment from being the bread-winner to the rock. That's been going on a long time actually.

Anyway, the worst is that today Jonah looks like a different kid to me. Almost like a stranger's, but he's unflappable and seems to know me.

I just needed to get that out. I'll manage ... I just don't have anywhere else to say something that sounds quite that awful

[Godson]

I've worked with many kids which are diagnosed with Noonan Syndrome. Some on the very severe areas, while others you could barely tell. You have likely already read a bunch on Noonan, but I'll recommend you read these two links. The second one will help you understand what's going on with you.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/noonan-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354422

https://themighty.com/2016/04/cdkl5-genetic-disorder-what-i-wish-i-knew-when-my-child-was-diagnosed/

[Yw-slayer]

I hope it works out OK, bro. Take care.

[Cam]

:(

[G'day Mate]

The problem with reading things online via Dr Google is you get the worst impression. In fact, I deliberately didn't remember the name of the condition, but my partner did so it wasn't long before I asked. Those links are good Tyler. I'm definitely grieving his future per the second link, and the first one makes the condition seem far less ... intrusive/obstructive than it could be.

[Godson]

I totally know what you mean. Dr. Google can be very dangerous. Head up bud, Jonah seems like a cool kid :)

[G'day Mate]

Must be another genetic mutation if that's the case.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Doc doesn't have a confirmed diagnosis and is already questioning whether you should have more kids?

Anyway, will keep your babies in my prayers mate. Hope your little babies will turn out just fine!

Whatever happens, just remember to love them the best you can and I'm sure everything will turn out just fine.

[sandydandy]

It might be a neurological issue. My wife said she was also late to walking, started after two years I think.

Don’t know what helpful advice to offer except maybe having a top neurologist take a look at him.

Keep your head up and best of luck.

[TheBenior]

:(

[speedpimp]

Fuck. Sorry Dave.

[FaultyMario]

I don't know what to say Dave. Hoping for the best case.

[Phil_SS]

Keep your head up Dave. Kids develop at different stages and not everyone is the same.

[George]

"albeit at the very mild end of the scale"

Best wishes to you and your family, Dave.

[tigeraid]

Best wishes indeed. Stiff upper lip and all that, as a parent it must be soul-crushing, but the best thing you can do for the kid is to keep a positive face and give him the best life he can possibly have. I have a nephew who's severely autistic, about 7 years old and still can't really talk, and a friend who's child was born a few years ago with cystic fibrosis. Seeing those guys stay brave and put the work in regardless is inspiring.

[G'day Mate]

Turns out we had the syndrome wrong - it's Cornelia de Lange syndrome that the geneticist thinks he has

[Crazed_Insanity]

Who's 'we'?

You told us wrong or the geneticist got it wrong?

Can he confirm the diagnosis rather than just telling you what he thinks? Maybe you guys should try a 2nd opinion.

Anyway, regardless of the diagnosis, your baby is still a precious miracle of life! Kids are amazingly resilient with their development.

Doctors/geneticists predicted/diagnosed a short meaningless life for Stephan Hawking, but that shows what they know about rare genetic disorders.

[G'day Mate]

We = my girlfriend and me. I actually deliberately forgot it but she thought she remembered, but she remembered incorrectly and found the doctor's notes yesterday which said what was discussed.

Also, there's no actual diagnosis yet, I'm just having to deal with speculation at the moment. It won't be a matter of opinion when the tests come back in five weeks - we will know for sure then.

[Cam]

I hope for the best.

[FaultyMario]

Yeah dude. What Cam said. Because Cam is awesome.

[sandydandy]

Next week will bring closure to a situation that’s been haunting me for a couple of years.

My life will change, either for the better or for the worse. Either way, it’ll bring closure.

I’ll share when I’m ready.

[G'day Mate]

:up:

[dodint]

Transgender reassignment?

[sandydandy]

Haha, close.

[George]

Transgender reassignment reversal?

[sandydandy]

You got it.

[Godson]

No matter what happens, we are here for you bud.

[sandydandy]

‘Preciate it. :)

[speedpimp]

You'll land on your feet, me bruv.

[sandydandy]

Thanks, me bruv.

[Zevious Zoquis]

Good thread. I'll be back in a couple hours when I can sit and type out the wild ride I've been on the past few years. Actually, I think I'll take it way back to the year 2000 or so and the hoary old GPL racing days... :)

[Cam]

:eek: A ZZ sighting! :eek:

[Leon]

Good lord.

[Godson]

Kid I coach told me last night at practice one of his friends committed suicide.

:/

Life fucking sucks sometimes.

[G'day Mate]

Ah man, :(

[FaultyMario]

I can't concentrate.
I only want to sleep.

[Zevious Zoquis]

:eek: A ZZ sighting! :eek:

:) yup still kickin...

So anyway, back in 2000. Things were going pretty smooth for me - had been married a few years, had a little house and so on. I was spending my free time racing GPL with a bunch of guys i’d met on kenji’s GT forum. Cuda when he was still just a run-of-the-mill alien, blerpa, stu, dick dastardly...(speaking of, anyone ever learn what became of DD? I know he dealt with some mental health issues back then). Early 2001 we found out we were expecting our first kid. I remember having conversation in the GPL chat room about the impact fatherhood would have on my video game time, and it was all true! Lol...real life does get in the way. My son was born a week after 9/11. Number 2 son arrived about 4 years later.

Life went on smoothly ftmp. Gradually the GPL league dissolved and the business of parenthood and family life sort of took precedence for me.

Until about 4 years ago when my marriage fell apart. It was pretty much a totally unexpected thing for me. I mean we’d had our ups and downs of course...what 25 year relationship doesn’t? But things had always been ok. I was coasting along under the assumption we were going to make it to the finish line. But she started to change. At first I didn’t notice really...she was just going to the gym, getting in shape. No prob...but over a period of about a year she lost some weight, got a couple tats, started spending significant time “at the gym” and then as Xmas approached started having lots of “office functions”to attend that I wouldn’t really be interested in. I distinctly remember the third or fourth of these functions when I kissed her as she left and turned back into the house and it hit me - “holy shit she’s cheating on me!”

That marked the beginning of a year or so of real ugliness as we navigated the end of our conjunction. It sucked. At the same time, we were also having significant issues with my older son. Real significant. I became intimately familiar with terms such as “conduct disorder” and “ODD” and I became familiar with the local CFS people and even the police and that all really sucked too.

Basically, the last few years has been a real meat-grinder. There were periods where I was in a very dark place. There is depression in my lineage - my mom has dealt with it a lot most of her adult life. But thankfully, I seem to not have that in me. Even at my darkest, I always saw a light at the end of the tunnel and felt like I just needed to soldier on and i’d get there. I had support from family and my best friend and got through and now here I am, divorced, living in a modest 2 bdrm with my older son, who I still have a real strained relationship with - he reminds me a lot of Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad, only maybe with a bit less of a conscience :rolleyes: - but things have levelled off considerably and i’m starting to enjoy life again. My younger son lives with my ex and stays with me every second weekend. It sucks, but we all live only minutes apart so it’s not too bad.

Life is a rollercoaster.

I also lost a close friend last year - one of the 2 buddies i’d call “life long” friends. That was sad, and more so because he had had a pretty crappy 50 years on the planet thanks to having been born to a couple of quite messed up parents. I can work up a strong melancholy thinking about his circumstances. Some people are almost set up for hard times from the moment they are born...

[Cam]

Damn, sorry to hear, pal. :( I hope things are on the upswing for you. Good luck.

[G'day Mate]

What brought you back here man?

[Zevious Zoquis]

What brought you back here man?

GT Sport went on sale so I grabbed it and noticed a few of the guys in my PS4 friends list from here were also playing it so thought I'd check in and see what's goin on... :D

[Zevious Zoquis]

Damn, sorry to hear, pal. :( I hope things are on the upswing for you. Good luck.

yeah like I said, things have definitely levelled off considerably the past few months and I'm feeling like I've come out the other end of the grinder finally. Don't want to get too cocky though - life has a way of saying "son, you better just sit down now" at times.

[Godson]

GT Sport went on sale so I grabbed it and noticed a few of the guys in my PS4 friends list from here were also playing it so thought I'd check in and see what's goin on... :D

And life has come full circle.

Pretty interesting when you think about it. Sorry you where going through the grinder. That sounds terrible.

[mk]

Kid I coach told me last night at practice one of his friends committed suicide.

:/

Life fucking sucks sometimes.

Been there and so but now I'm old and vice.

How do you tell them it's fake before it's too late.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Hey ZZ, not sure if you remember me, Billi..., I know your username, that's about it... ;) but anyway...

Yep, life can really suck sometimes, but being alive is a miracle in itself though!

Take care man!

[Godson]

Been there and so but now I'm old and vice.

How do you tell them it's fake before it's too late.

That's the tough part about it.

Telling a kid "they aren't alone" etc can only go so far.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Nihilist's fable: "Once upon a time, shit happens and you die. The End."

Son of God's fable: "Once upon a time, shit happens, but you still choose to carry that shitty cross and try to make the world a better place before you die. Then maybe you'll be able to truly live happily ever after. The end."

Life sucks for everyone, surely some harder than others. However, some would choose suicide for failing to get an A from the teacher..., some could even choose to forgive the Nazis and thrive after surviving the concentration camp.

We didn't get to choose how and where we're born, nor do we have full control of what might happen to us while living in this shitty world, but we can certainly choose how to live our lives.

[George]

Hang in there ZZ. You've had some tough times for sure. Nice of you to come back and say hello again. I too remember your user name from the old days but not a whole lot more, to be honest. Hope you hang around here more often.

[sandydandy]

Just learned that my good friend of 25 years passed away yesterday. Internal bleeding due to complications from cirrhosis of the liver. His life was a mess the past few years and turned to the bottle, and it killed him. Father of two young boys.

Still hasn’t sank in yet. Feeling gutted.

[dodint]

:(

Sorry mate.

[Leon]

Going to a funeral of my friend's 5.5 year old son (long illness rare genetic fault that saw his brain nerve development go backward once he hit about 4yo, so rare as to have no name to the syndrome).

Not sure at all what this experience will be like.

Can't even fathom what my friends are going through. Just not even a little bit.

[Crazed_Insanity]

...

[G'day Mate]

Oh jeeze.

[Cam]

Short, short version: My mom has dementia bad; constant paranoid delusions and sensory hallucinations. She’s in a bad way but denies it is a mental illness. :(

[sandydandy]

:(

Sorry to hear, Cam.

[dodint]

Short, short version: My mom has dementia bad; constant paranoid delusions and sensory hallucinations. She’s in a bad way but denies it is a mental illness. :(

Sorry Cam. :(

My mother is the opposite, she's approaching 60 and perfectly healthy, but is unreasonably scared of dementia and insists she's slipping into it already.

[mk]

What is approaching.
I'm 3/10 late this year.
Have had bad memory(short) since I can remember.

[sandydandy]

My buddy’s funeral is tomorrow. I’m still reeling. Had a few small cries the past couple of days, but no real outburst. I’m due for one. I know I’m going to be a wreck tomorrow. I’ll be saying a few words as well, just hope I can keep it together on the podium.

25 years of friendship, and now all of a sudden he’s gone. It’s such a shock to the system. Really sucks, the guy was like a brother to me. My heart aches. :(

[Leon]

It might be worth having a back up person that you can hand your "script" to, if it's too overwhelming. Speaking at funerals is very hard work.

[sandydandy]

Yeah I’ll probably have my wife go up with me.

[Cam]

Sorry to hear. :(

[Ashie]

Today is Mother's day and it's the first one since she passed. I miss her.

Sorry your mom isn't doing well Cam. Is it getting to a point where she will have to be in a facility?

[TheBenior]

Janelle is right there with you.

[FaultyMario]

Don't know what to say, Ash.

But i take your words are with the utmost sympathy.

[Ashie]

Janelle is right there with you.

I know she completely understands. I've avoided facepage most of the day to save myself from unnecessary tears.

[G'day Mate]

Today was the second time we were supposed to find out Jonah's test results. Two weeks ago they weren't ready and we had to ring back, and today we found out the test failed (that is, there's no result) so they need to re-test. Three more weeks, and it's become very urgent now due to the pregnancy. Someone said to me that it must be "frustrating" ... it's not, it's brutal.

[Ashie]

:(

[Godson]

I have no words. :(

[FaultyMario]

Cam, Is your mom under medication? My friend's mom also suffers from dementia but they adjusted her treatment after a second opinion and it was much, much better.

It went from unmanageable child to adult who needs supervision.

[Cam]

My mom refuses to even entertain the notion that she has a problem. To her, the stuff she is perceiving is REAL and she DOES NOT have dementia or a mental illness. She is a perfectly functioning human being otherwise. She has everyone fooled that nothing is wrong. She knows the stuff happening to her is unbelievable by normal society. Most of the stuff she believes is happening is totally implausible and/or impossible. Therefore, she has kept it a secret because everyone will think she's crazy. It's so effed up. I feel helpless to do anything and I feel like I am abandoning the situation, leaving the problem to my brothers. I feel really bad for my dad, who has been dealing with it for almost three years now. He never let on anything was wrong. He's 86 and I think he's just waiting for death so he does not have to deal with it anymore. He's pretty much just ignoring the problem. He's kind of bad at talking about things like this. There is nothing I can do about it unless my mom is hurting herself or someone else. I tried to convince her she should see a mental health professional, but she is adamant that her issues ARE REAL and she does not have a mental health problem. I could write a novel about this shit, but I feel like I've written too much already.

[Tom Servo]

Man, the worst I had was my increasingly racist grandmother (she started pretty racist, so it wasn't a difficult transition). I'm sorry you are going through that.

[FaultyMario]

Yeah, man. There's so much you can do before it turns into an emotional drill. Be strong buddy.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Man, the worst I had was my increasingly racist grandmother (she started pretty racist, so it wasn't a difficult transition). I'm sorry you are going through that.

I'd think racism could be a component of cynicism... apparently that is related to dementia. It's probably why she became increasingly racist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUEgG-HR_qM

Not sure if cynics are more likely to have dementia... or perhaps dementia itself caused people to become more cynical. Bottomline is they just trust others less and less. Probably even believe mental healthcare providers are out to get them.

Cam, try to gain her trust first, don't let her feel like you're out to get them is probably the best approach. Let her know that you believe her.

[Ashie]

I'm sorry to hear she isn't willing to get help Cam. Hugs

[sandydandy]

Well last week was my buddy’s funeral and I was one of four people to give a eulogy. Kept strong throughout it, but kinda started breaking down toward the end. Still so hard to believe that he’s gone.

A little more light was shed on the circumstances of his death. He died alone at home. His assistant at the office couldn’t get in touch with him on the Tuesday, and called his estranged wife and sister and they both didn’t know where he was. So the next day they called the cops, who broke down his front door, and found him dead in the upstairs bathroom.

He was diagnosed with cirrhosis a little while ago, and was vomiting blood. I looked it up, esophageal varices. He underwent surgery to repair the holes in his esophagus caused by the veins bursting, and was ordered to quit drinking or die. In an act of supreme arrogance, he opted out of the hospital’s recommendation to stay another three weeks to undergo their detox program, and elected to check himself out of the hospital. I spoke to him two Saturdays ago, where he made no mention of any of this stuff, except only to vaguely state that he had quit drinking seven days ago due to some liver issues. He seemed pleased with himself, and I was happy for him. Less than a week later I got the call that he was dead of internal bleeding. Likely the esophagus again, because he had indeed resumed drinking, which is the sad part. What we’ll never know is why he took another drink or two. Was he tempting fate thinking one can’t hurt? Or was it a form of suicide? I have a lot of trouble with the latter, as I never knew him to be one to throw in the towel in life. I could accept that he drank himself to sickness, but intentionally drank himself to death? That’s tough to swallow.

He was going through a lot of shit, most of which I won’t get into. Let’s just say alcohol was at the root of it. His wife had had enough, and took the kids and moved out several months ago. I knew he was sad about it, but had no idea how dark of a place he was in. Nobody really did, because he would play his troubles off as annoyances, while at the same time expressing elation at being “single” again. He needed support after his surgery and nobody was there to support him aside from his assistant, who would regularly go by his house to check in on him. The rest of us had no idea what he was really going through, because he put up such a strong front. Been talking to his sister and other friends a lot recently, and everyone is feeling a sense of guilt. Everyone wishes they could’ve done more, myself included.

When you think cirrhosis you think of rockstars engaged in hard drinking for decades. He became a heavy drinker in recent years, but must’ve really turned it up in the last few months to reach this point. He had to have been drinking literally all day long, at least a couple of bottles of vodka per day for months and months to allow his liver to deteriorate to such a degree. He was an addict, and I’m sure the withdrawal pangs were very difficult to deal with. That’s why I wish he stayed in the hospital.

I haven’t had a single drink since learning of his death. Been sober for 12 days now. Not saying I won’t ever drink again, but not for a while. It just doesn’t feel right so soon after his death. We would drink and party together regularly, that I almost feel like an enabler in a way. He was a financial planner and such a good salesman, with a charming personality and an incredible way with words that I think it was his curse too. It was tough to tell when he was being real and opening up, as opposed to just working me. I wish I had seen more of the man, and less of the illusion. That’s something I’ll have to live with. :(

[Leon]

That's a very sad outcome. I'm glad you were able to pay your respects at the funeral though, as that will have meant a lot to the other people there.

Addiction is a hell of a thing :(

[Cam]

Oh man, sorry to hear, bud. :(

[Crazed_Insanity]

So sad to hear... :(

Reminds me of my cubicle mate and mentor, a while back. Retired at the age of 55, single all his life, die in a similar fashion alone in his apartment. Drank himself to death.

He lives near the beach so bunch of us coworker friends had gotten together with him a few times with him after work for some dinner and drinks. He has always put up a nice 'front' face that retired life is good...

But reality is that it's just not that great for a man to live alone.

The man was counting the days til his retirement. Finally when he retired, life became completely meaningless... even his extended family members lives in other states or back in India... I suspect he's just too lonely and drank himself to death... Or maybe he has some medical conditions that I don't know about... :(

Anyway, find fulfilling things to do and stay close to family and friends! Keys to staying sane... and will increase your chance of survival.

[sandydandy]

That's a very sad outcome. I'm glad you were able to pay your respects at the funeral though, as that will have meant a lot to the other people there.

Addiction is a hell of a thing :( Yeah it felt good to get up there and speak. I loved him like a brother, and his family expressed their love and appreciation to me. His sister is still a mess. Been talking to her almost daily, encouraging her and her husband to see a grief counselor, which she said she will. I’ve sort of reached the acceptance stage. It hurts that he won’t be around anymore, but I don’t weep everyday anymore. For her it’s going to hurt for a long time. She’s just consumed with guilt. I haven’t reached out to his wife yet. Kind of dreading that conversation, but I’ll do it eventually.


Oh man, sorry to hear, bud. :( Thank you. :)


But reality is that it's just not that great for a man to live alone. That’s very true. In the case of my friend, shortly after his wife and kids left, he mentioned to me how awkward it was going from hearing the pitter-patter of little feet to complete silence. He should’ve gotten another place, but for some reason didn’t leave that house. He tried to sell but didn’t get any offers, as the market had gone a little soft. I think he was asking for way too much anyway. But that was all an excuse, he had money, he could’ve easily bought or rented a condo close to his kids or other friends, but he didn’t. It wasn’t healthy to stay in such a huge house filled with memories, all by himself. There was nothing to do except drink and watch Netflix. He was working from home a lot and rarely went to the office. He needed to get out of there.


Anyway, find fulfilling things to do and stay close to family and friends! Keys to staying sane... and will increase your chance of survival. That’s absolutely true. I wish he had the sense to see it. He was probably the smartest guy I ever knew, but when emotion clouds judgment, bad things happen. I wish his story didn’t end the way it did, but nothing can change the past, we can only learn from it. It’s a harsh life lesson for the rest of us.

[Godson]

:(

[sandydandy]

I had a bit of an episode this evening, mourning my friend. I said earlier that I feel I’m at the acceptance stage, but I don’t think so. I think I’m still in the denial stage. Even when I first found out about his death, I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. The shock and disbelief were so overwhelming. I was holding it in. A couple of days later at the funeral was when I broke down. It was in the hall by the guest book. They had a bunch of pictures of him, and one big one that was recent, and that was when I just lost it.

Same thing today. I found myself thinking about him all day. Then this evening I opened our WhatsApp chat and the memories started flooding back. I guess I’d been holding it in again, as it was too much to bear. I lost it again, my head in my wife’s arms. It’s weird, I saw with my own eyes his lifeless body in the casket, but my brain still can’t make the connection that he’s truly gone.

This is the first time I’ve lost someone this close to me. All four of my grandparents are gone, but I don’t mourn them. They lived full lives and I remember the good times. Don’t know why I can’t do the same here. I can’t even fully accept the fact that he’s gone. I guess cause it was so sudden. It may take a couple of months until I start feeling better.

[George]

Hang in there Sandy. That must be very painful.

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

― Dr. Seuss

[sandydandy]

Sage advice, thank you. :)

[Crazed_Insanity]

Shit, for the 1st time after 11years of marriage, I'll be home alone because wife and kid are heading back to Taiwan to take care of my mother in law who's undergoing surgery...

For the next 3 weeks, I hope I won't go nuts and die... for it is not good for a man to be alone.

At least I still have 3 cats at home to love and hold...

[G'day Mate]

When I've lost young friends I've most noticed their absence at events/gatherings they would otherwise usually attend. That's not very helpful sorry ... that's just how it is. I still have their numbers in my phone too.

[sandydandy]

Shit, for the 1st time after 11years of marriage, I'll be home alone because wife and kid are heading back to Taiwan to take care of my mother in law who's undergoing surgery...

For the next 3 weeks, I hope I won't go nuts and die... for it is not good for a man to be alone.

At least I still have 3 cats at home to love and hold... Every summer (since 2014) my wife takes the kids and goes to Seattle for two weeks to visit her family, leaving me home alone. The first 3-4 days are usually peaceful and stress-free, and I can really relax and...breathe. Every couple needs some time away from each other, and from the kid(s) too. Then after a while it starts to get too peaceful, and loneliness slowly creeps in. I usually invite my friends over the first weekend for a game of poker, and we go out a little more. It's nice to have the company. By the middle of the following week is when the loneliness kicks into higher gear, and I'm quite unable to relax, and start getting anxious and excited to see them again.

I think you'll be fine with your cats. Go out or invite some friends over for drinks or whatever. Spend some quality time with yourself. FaceTime (or any video chat) will help big time if you miss your family too much.


When I've lost young friends I've most noticed their absence at events/gatherings they would otherwise usually attend. That's not very helpful sorry ... that's just how it is. I still have their numbers in my phone too. Yeah I don't think I'll delete my buddy's phone number. I did archive our WhatsApp chat, as I recognized it probably wasn't healthy to look at it every day. In the next little while I'll export the chat to my email, and then when I'm ready, delete the chat off of WhatsApp.

[2ndMoparMan]

Still feeling the loss of Totalbiscuit to cancer. I will miss his SC2 commentary and overall content greatly. Who I feel worse for is his family. While I lost someone that I liked from youtube and the like, they lost a husband and father.

[FaultyMario]

Don't know if this falls in the sad or glad side of the spectrum. But recently i reconnected with an old love. I made sure to let her know that she changed the way i looked at life. And that i was glad that someone of such importance could still be (in those terms, i know she ain't there or that i could count on her, but that she exists in the same plane as i do).

It was awkward AF, obvs... You know, we hurt each other on our way out of that relationship (mostly ourselves, i think), but it felt good to (not) move on.

I think I've placed a lot of emotional weight on past events (thanks Dad!) throughout my life, and part of coming to terms with who i am is being graceful to those who've loved me.

[sandydandy]

I can't believe it's been a little over four months now since my buddy died. Time has flown by. It's still so bizarre and impossible to believe. I feel like he's on vacation or something. I called his cell phone the other day, just to hear his voicemail greeting, but the number was not in service. I found out that his wife called the provider and cut the number in the first month. He was a financial planner, so I checked his website and that was gone too.

It's like he's not coming back or something...:twitch:

Seriously, that's how hard it is to believe. The man was born to live. So charismatic and had a personality that was larger than life. That's what makes it so difficult to believe that he's just fucking gone now. I watch his YouTube videos every now and then so I don't forget him. I hope his wife doesn't take those down.

Damn I miss my brother. :(

[Godson]

:'(

[Cam]

:(

[Ashie]

Hugs.

[sandydandy]

Hugs. :)

[Crazed_Insanity]

Don’t know if story of Coco is for real or not, but keep on remembering him!

Don’t know if Jesus is for real or not, but if Jesus remembers him, then he’s gonna be remembered forever!

Be happy you had such a great bro! :) it’s ok to cry too!

[sandydandy]

Naah I don’t cry anymore, but do feel the loss. Just more confused and still in disbelief these days. And disappointed that he let alcohol literally take his life.

I try to console his sister more. She’s still reeling. One day at a time I guess. It’s really rough on her. Her only sibling gone.

[Crazed_Insanity]

I've been somewhat fortunate so far..., my grand parents died when I was young so I didn't know what's going on... so far as grown person, I've only lost a young cousin and a dear cat. Man, the feeling of having a portion of your heart ripped away from you can really hurt bad..., but thankfully these wounds heal and I'm thankful that they came into my life!

[speedpimp]

Sorry bruv.:(
Give The Internet Wayback Machine (https://archive.org/web/) a try and see if an older version of his site is still up.

[sandydandy]

Good idea, bruv.

[dodint]

I know it's absurd and all but I feel like I might never be happy again. I'm just so profoundly upset with life right now. I keep waiting for that day when I'm caught up on everything and can just relax for a minute, and it never comes. I've been going non-stop since 2006 or so and I'm so drained from it all. It looks like 2021 might be relatively laid back, but we're thinking of moving to Europe so who the fuck knows.

I'm really considering taking time off from school to slow things down. But I'm on track to be finished in Fall of 2019 so I keep telling myself to keep pressing. It's making me intensely miserable, though. To the point that I can't even internalize it and hide it from people anymore. I'm starting to have almost an open contempt for my job, and home life is a rut. Argh.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Need to chill a bit.

Need to figure out the good reasons why must you goto school and have that job...

This exercise should help you bear these things better... or give you the motivation to quit and do something else.

We will never catch up in life, but if we're in a race that we truly want to be in, we wouldn't be so unhappy.

Or maybe something is just fucked up in the head and you need to see a shrink. :p

Anyway, hope Joy will be able to successfully ask Sadness and Anger to give up control of the console and take back control in the 'head'quarter soon. Good luck!
If you haven't seen Inside Out, nevermind, just wishing you joy and happiness. :)

[dodint]

Yeah. I came close to seeing a shrink in the spring. I don't have any issue with a willingness to seek help. Oddly although I'm arguably more pissed off and angry now, my desire to see a shrink has lessened. Kind of like I'm fully aware and in control of my situation, but I don't like it. Whereas in the spring I was reeling pretty hard from life being shitty.

[FaultyMario]

I know it's absurd and all but I feel like I might never be happy again. I'm just so profoundly upset with life right now. I keep waiting for that day when I'm caught up on everything and can just relax for a minute, and it never comes. I've been going non-stop since 2006 or so and I'm so drained from it all. It looks like 2021 might be relatively laid back, but we're thinking of moving to Europe so who the fuck knows.

I'm really considering taking time off from school to slow things down. But I'm on track to be finished in Fall of 2019 so I keep telling myself to keep pressing. It's making me intensely miserable, though. To the point that I can't even internalize it and hide it from people anymore. I'm starting to have almost an open contempt for my job, and home life is a rut. Argh.

I'm in a similar place, but I keep telling myself that it's the PDD (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/persistent-depressive-disorder-dysthymic-disorder.shtml#part_155913) and I just have to follow the doctor's advice (i.e. exercise, eat and sleep well, and do enjoyable shit outside and away from what i do everyday); so like in your case, I hold on by telling myself that it's part of the grind® and that it's only going to be like this for a couple of years.

I hate being shitty to those close to me because that's just the mood that i'm currently in, but the alternative, which is taking SSRIs, is worse. It makes me feel light-headed, unable to focus and get shit done on my terms, which adds to the root cause. Not liking the situation. I like to kick its ass and that helps me overcome the anxiety, to know that whatever little room for me to control there is, I fucking kick ass at it.

[tigeraid]

I think I mentioned it a ways back in this thread as well, but I seem to be suffering a bit of the same malady--stuck in a grind, feeling like my life is going nowhere, looking back with regret that I didn't follow the school/career/life path I should have. I'm sure I'm not going through the kind of workload you are, I just have a 9-5, but it can be soul crushing at times. I go home, exercise, and try to ignore the anxiety and depressive feelings by burying myself in chores or working on the house or the car or occasionally watching TV. And when I watch TV, I find myself mostly watching documentaries about minimalism (despite not following it myself), escaping the grind, living life better, fitness, outdoor challenges, exploration, or documentaries about how fucked we are as a society. I struggle to enjoy comedy anymore.

I feel fidgety and restless all the time, though I'm sure getting fit had a lot to do with that. The only time I feel really good and positive is going to visit family, or exercising/being active. Otherwise the negative thoughts about the world/politics/money/people around me start creeping in. Which in turn angers me, because I have a solid job, good pay, benefits, a house, a wife, a good family--why do I feel like shit?

I nearly quit my job in a fit of rage because my two co-workers are climate change deniers. Being in automotive means constantly hearing customers bitch about "THE LIBERALS" and how "queers are ruining the world." I eventually calm down, but why the hell am I reacting so badly to something like that, after so many years hearing and ignoring it?

To top it off, moving back up North has taken me away from the few IRL friends I have, so I have no one to really spend time with here other than Tara, who doesn't want to do most of the things I want to do. I guess it's a mid-life crisis, but 15 years early. On the bright side, living in Muskoka means endless easy access to the outdoors, and I no longer have a stressful commute or a shitty city to deal with.

I'm terrified at the prospect of taking drugs to feel better. So I think I'll continue to avoid it.

[Crazed_Insanity]

The conspiracy theorist inside of me is thinking something in our diet is causing these anxieties and depressions, but since I have no proof, I'll just let that remain a conspiracy for now. Still, eating healthier can't go wrong. Also can't go wrong with exercises and sleeping well. Unless your brain is telling yourself to kill yourself, medication really should be the last resort.

Anyway, if your fellow Canadian Jordan Peterson's dietary advise is shit, maybe his life advise is more appropriate?

“You must determine where you are going in your life, because you cannot get there unless you move in that direction. Random wandering will not move you forward. It will instead disappoint and frustrate you and make you anxious and unhappy and hard to get along with (and then resentful, and then vengeful, and then worse).”

I think daily grind often causes us to deviate from where we want to go, so it's important for us to also remember to 'grind' toward where we really want to go too.

“So, attend carefully to your posture. Quit drooping and hunching around. Speak your mind. Put your desires forward, as if you had a right to them—at least the same right as others. Walk tall and gaze forthrightly ahead. Dare to be dangerous. Encourage the serotonin to flow plentifully through the neural pathways desperate for its calming influence.”

Yeah, matter over mind! Before using mind altering medication, our body posture can be mind altering too! Try that 1st.

Want a minimalist life? Go for it! Peterson also preaches about prior to do anything clean up your room 1st. Yeah, start by simplifying your surrounding 1st if that's what your heart really wants!

Rather than just passively allowing the world to grind you away... actively grind against the world and shape it just a bit closer to your dream world!

Anyway, to be honest, I totally share and get your guys' feelings about life, and it's folks such as Jesus Christ and Jordan Peterson who helped inspired me to keep on pushing... and allowed me to feel better too! If Jesus Christ is not your thing... hope Peterson is an acceptable role model? If not, fuck it, find your own role models then! :p

[tigeraid]

I certainly have some role models. The big part of it is being married though. I don't want to leave my wife, and likely will not. But she's definitely not on the same path as (I think) I want to be. She's content to work the 9-5 grind every day, come home, watch TV and do her one or two hobbies, and go spend time with her family. That's literally it, and I envy her for being able to enjoy that. If I was a single I very likely wouldn't own a house, and I by now I'd probably just be off hiking the country from end to end.

[Crazed_Insanity]

At the very minimum, you’ll have to put your desires forward and let her know and then perhaps you two can forge a new path together that can make both of you happy.

Just think... what would your role model do? Same as you do?

[FaultyMario]

I had a minor breakdown on friday. :|

Cliff notes: It's a really bad idea to compare yourself to others when you're down and feeling the weight of the grind you've put yourself under in order to work the plan.
HW assignment: How does one not beat oneself into depression by going over the shit decisions one has made in the past?

[Crazed_Insanity]

I’d recommend watching some YouTube videos by Jordan Peterson regarding how to deal with depression for hw assignment...

Good luck man, take care!

[sandydandy]

HW assignment: How does one not beat oneself into depression by going over the shit decisions one has made in the past? Accept that you made the shit decision(s), face the consequences, as painful as they are...hopefully they won't last forever, and commit to not repeating.

That's what I'm doing in dealing with something right now.

[FaultyMario]

I’d recommend watching some YouTube videos by Jordan Peterson regarding how to deal with depression for hw assignment...

Thanks billi, hopefully i can get something out of that. I'm going to give it a spin later (right now I'm at work -and no, i don't have a problem with listening to podcasts or wasting time- I left my earphones home), hopefully they're not some coaching/guru type thing; I've found I have no patience for those, I'd rather listen to people like Chris Bailey who have tips for concrete situations.

[FaultyMario]

hopefully they won't last forever, and commit to not repeating.

I'm more at a stage of questioning my current decisions based on how I made them, you know, "have I learnt my lessons, did I make this decision differently?" because I know how it turned out the last time.

[Crazed_Insanity]

If one never made any shit decisions, one probably never learned any shit.

As long as we’re alive, we can make new decisions, hopefully less shittier than the ones before...

You can do it Super Mario!

[FaultyMario]

Thanks man, I got a chuckle out of that.

[Godson]

One of my assistant coaches, a girl who I coached when she was 7 and is now 20 years old just told me she has contemplated suicide a few times.

First time I have heard anything like this from her.

I'll echo my comments elsewhere.


If you need to talk, my phone is always on, I will make time. Just call, text, or message me.

[G'day Mate]

Dear everyone - be the kind of person you think is worth standing up for.

[FaultyMario]

Sure, dude. I keep trying to.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Hope you’re feeling better? Jordan Peterson helpful at all?

If not, not sure what else I can help you with...

now it’s my turn to feel sad... just found out my cat has cancer... waiting to see an oncologist at the moment...

[Crazed_Insanity]

My cat was responding so well to chemo, pretty much returned to her usual healthy self..., but then last night it somehow all of a sudden crashed... she past away this morning... :(

[Tom Servo]

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that :(

[dodint]

Sorry mate, that's terrible. :(

[George]

:(

[FaultyMario]

Sorry, man.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Thanks guys! My dear kitty was probably trying to save us from our hefty medical bills... picked a great time to crash... in the middle of the nite... the only ER doc in town has been in surgery all nite... finally in the morning when she’s about to be seen by our vet, she breathed her last.

Saved us from having to decided whether to put her to sleep...

Gonna miss her!

Of course we are in a denomination that believe all cats go to heaven too. Surely she’s in good hands right now...

[Leon]

Pets are wonderful, but they break your hearts so often.

[Cam]

:(

[Tom Servo]

I'm glad you were saved from that decision, we had to make that call with the last cat we had put down. We both know ultimately that it was the right call, but it doesn't take away that doubt.

No doubt your cat had a better life than it would have had without you.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Thanks for the vote of confidence in this regard, but I have to give all credit to my wife. You see, Mintie, with cute green eyes, had some chronic issues with her liver and diarrhea... so she actually has very stinky breath! Wife nursed her to a relatively healthy cat trying various diets and supplements, but there were still occasional flair ups. Medical conditions aside, she was a super sensitive cat, who could sense your emotions..., heck, she could sense my wife’s emotions better than me and able to comfort the wife with her meows and looks. Incredibly, when wife and I got into heated discussions/arguments, unlike our other cats who’d just go into hiding, Mintie would actually stand between us and even try to put her paws on our mouths to tell us to shut the fuck up!

It’s amazing that I now find myself missing her stinky breath and diarrhea smell...

Heart broken, yes, but as the cliche says, it better to have loved than never had her at all!

[FaultyMario]

It’s amazing that I now find myself missing her stinky breath and diarrhea smell...



Dude!

[sandydandy]

Sorry about your cat, Billi. :(

[Crazed_Insanity]

Thanks!

Our other 2 cats who don't usually get along that well with Mintie ended up kinda depressed and refuse to eat for a while too..., didn't think Mintie's death would affect them that much...

Anyway, we're all slowly getting back to normal. Daughter and I still had a good cry upon hearing 'Remember Me' from Coco in the car the other day...

Wife has been hit the most. Mintie's IBD issues resulted in her need for having meals 6 times a day. One of which is at around 5am in the morning. Whenever she gets hungry, she'd come scratch on my wife's head to wake her up to feed her. She knows I'm a heavy sleeper so she'd never try to wake me up! ;)

It's been a week and wife still keeps on waking up around 5am expecting a good scratch on the head, but instead just crys herself back to sleep... sigh...

[G'day Mate]

I usually make jokes about cats being arseholes, but I know exactly how it is with pets and I'm sorry to hear, Billi.

(posted next to a huge, sleeping, idiot, best friend dog, who I love)

[Crazed_Insanity]

:up:

[speedpimp]

The man who was the father of my best friends as a teenager, and who I considered a second dad, passed away last Sunday at the age of 82. He was the one person that I could talk to about things that I could never talk to my dad about. His son passed away in Feb from a massive stroke/heart attack at the age of 43. That leaves the daughter, who is the same age as me, as the person coping with all of this. Not only did she lose her brother/father in the same year, an uncle died over the summer as well. FFS. The only thing I'm feeling is numbness. Hooray for alcohol.

[FaultyMario]

I'm all ears you big hearted person with a mispelt name.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Life is short. Love hard bro!

[dodint]

Sorry rich.

If you want to get away you're always welcome to come and spend some time here in the 'burg, happy to have you.

[sandydandy]

:(

Sorry for your loss, bruv.

[speedpimp]

Thanks guys. It's all good.

[Godson]

I'll gladly give you my bed as a place to crash. We have good 'que too

[FaultyMario]

Just got news that one of the girls in my son's class just lost her dad.

I don't want to get into the reasons, but it really, really sucks.

[sandydandy]

Crap. :(

[Cam]

:(

[G'day Mate]

I should’ve posted something in here a while ago. Remember my son’s genetic thingo? It’s been affecting me somewhat subversively ... kind of a trigger for mounting panic and anxiety. I’ve held it together mostly but my performance at work suffers, then things get on top of me, and it’s been mounting and mounting. I saw my doctor and started antidepressants yesterday to pull it all together. Almost every day some small thing will have me close to tears, and close to cracking up. I think I’ve done that just in the nick of time. I’ve have a written warning hanging over my head since August, and EVERYONE is under the pump, but I happened to see some references to what turned out to be other people’s written warnings and performance management and went into full-blown panic. That’s when I booked the appointment.

I’m ok, but also it’s taken me a while to do something about it. When the chemist filled my prescription he started explaining that it takes a few days ... I cut him off with a smile and said “it’s ok, I’m not suicidal, it’s just a helping hand”

[G'day Mate]

Incidentally, we don’t know anything about Jonah’s condition yet as they’ve been unable to diagnose. He seems to be catching up a bit, but to me in his facial features you can see there’s something there, subtly. Maybe I’m wrong. He had all his DNA tested and came back with 6 “variations of interest”, all of which can be attributed to his mum and me. One of them is half of a thing called Cornelia De Lang Syndrome, but apparently it’s dominant (as are the others) so you’d expect that if he did have that then we would exhibit it too.

[G'day Mate]

Another interesting side note is that my own DNA tests came back with a thing called Smith Lemli Oppitz Syndrome. It’s very rare, and I’m a carrier, and you definitely don’t want it, but since the other half doesn’t also have it there’s no risk to our kids. We know positively that Jonah doesn’t have this one, just me.

That was a mild spin-out in itself

[FaultyMario]

Hang in there Dave, and...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcjzHMhBtf0

[sandydandy]

So today is the one year anniversary of my buddy’s death. My buddy who died of internal bleeding from esophageal varices, caused by cirrhosis of the liver. Officially today on paper, but it’s likely he died on May 8th of last year. He was found deceased on May 9th.

Can’t believe it’s been a year. It’s flown by like a blur. I think a little bit about him every day. Post on his FB every now and then. His wife still hasn’t memorialized it yet.

Spent the year getting my own drinking under control. Only really do it once or twice a week now. I escaped becoming addicted to it, but was getting close. Was drinking practically every day for a while there. I’ve seen now where it leads. I used to think drinking oneself to death was merely a figure of speech. No, it’s a reality.

Been talking to his sister a lot in the past year, and learned quite a bit about his circumstances. It’s pretty grim. Apparently he was diagnosed with cirrhosis back in 2016. I thought it was in early 2018. Fucking guy never told anyone. Literally none of his friends knew, only immediate family. I can’t rationalize in my head why he continued to drink if he knew he had cirrhosis. My only guess is he thought he could beat it. I remember in early 2017 he lost a ton of weight and went on a rigorous exercise and weight training program with a personal trainer. He was in full beast mode. I’m thinking he thought he could muscle his way through it by working out, but I don’t think that’s how organs work.

The solution for prolonging his life was simple: stop drinking. But he was an addict. I learned just how bad it was. He would suffer from hallucinations, paranoia and mood swings when he would try to quit. All trademarks of a full fledged alcoholic. A lot of what I learned made me question just how well I really knew him, and I knew him for 25 years.

The only one bit of good news was from the toxicology report, which stated there was no alcohol found in his blood at the time of death. So he did quit in the weeks prior to his death, but it was too late. Plus he wasn’t taking his medication, which could’ve prevented his death. This was apparently his second episode of varices. The first one was in the month before. Luckily his neighbor was over at his house when he collapsed, and was able to call an ambulance. No such luck the next time.

It’s sad and such a shame. What makes me even sadder is that he’s pretty much been forgotten. On social media at least. Nobody has said anything on his timeline today except me. There isn’t even an official obituary written up for him anywhere.

But I’ll never forget him. He was my brother.

[Crazed_Insanity]

:sing:

Remember me
Though I have to say goodbye
Remember me
Don't let it make you cry
For ever if I'm far away
I hold you in my heart
I sing a secret song to you
Each night we are apart
Remember me
Though I have to travel far
Remember me
Each time you hear a sad guitar
Know that I’m with you
The only way that I can be
Until you’re in my arms again
Remember me...

[Leon]

Alcohol is crazy stuff.

An ex-workmate of mine comes from a family where he and his mother are the only ones who haven't died from alcohol. His father, all his siblings. All dead.

He drinks like a fish. Bonkers.

[sandydandy]

Shit. It’s definitely crazy. All the ancillaries that come with it too. Like anything in life, moderation is key.

[SkylineObsession]

Anyone else here suffer from anxiety & depression, and find yourself never feeling 100%? Even when you've purposely planned nothing, barely even trips out of the house (except for work), all in order to de stress, and you think that everything is fine, you're happy and unstressed, and yet you're still not physically well/where you want to be?

I've had a myriad of health problems over the past few years, a lot more recently it seems, and the doctors (i've seen at least 5-10 of them about this by now) keep saying it's anxiety. I've had all sorts of tests too.
Blood pressure always comes back normal
Blood tests always come back normal.
MRI of my head came back normal.
Xray of my chest came back normal.
Coordination/reflex etc tests come back normal.

Etcetera. It's getting really frustrating. I know i'm a mild hypochondriac, but when i look up doctor Google i'm quite realistic about what i find and keep ruling out things because i don't have all/enough symptoms. So even that isn't helping.

Not keen to list all my probs on a public forum, but among them are tiredness, lack of energy, dizziness sometimes, joint aches and pains (mainly inner and outer hip joints), slight nausea sometimes (which recently tried to ruin our trip to the West Coast of the South Island of this country), and so on.

It may very well be anxiety causing everything, but it seems that most places would prescribe medication to fix/hide it. I'm never planning on using anti depressant type drugs ever again, as had a really bad experience with Aropax a decade or more ago. Some side effects lasted six months to a year after i stopped taking them... Took some different antidepressants for a couple of days last year, and that same side effect came back, so i instantly stopped taking them. Best i can describe it is 'brain zaps'. Like a quick jolt of an electric fence through my whole head. It's not at all pleasant (not painful, just ... not right).

Have tried counselling before, but that was for depression, not anxiety. The counsellor said i didn't need any more sessions for depression, which i believed as i don't usually have down days unless its a day plagued with health problems. Even ended up in the ER a few weeks back after i had chest pains, breathing problems and so on. They did all sorts of tests and half a day later i was on my way back home with a prescription for reflux meds (for the chest pain, which i didn't end up going to the chemist with).

Grrr. Hard to try stay positive when your body tells you otherwise. :/

[FaultyMario]

Anxiety medication is fucking strong. Talk to your medical provider, develop a plan, adjust the plan, and treat your way thru.

One thing that helps with anxiety is meditation, but the problem is that unless you're a fucking yoga master already, it's going to take time to learn to do the mindfulness. One recommendation is to try to do your chores in a mindful manner. This is an stupid example, but bear with me, say you have to clean your house, sweep and mop your floors and all that, if you try to do it in a mindful, peaceful way you'll find some relaxation and you'll have one less thing to worry about. Think of it as Karate Kid's waxon/waxoff or Bob Ross' beautiful little trees. With time, you'll find your zen and you'll move and breathe and do everyday things in a mindful way.

Obviously that's but one thing you can do, but mental health is a multi-factorial phenomenon and it's best you find the best treatment for yourself. So if you don't feel ok with medication, say that to your doctor upfront and discuss the alternatives.

[Tom Servo]

The wife is on anxiety medication, I'm not sure which one (I should probably know that). She used to take one on demand but it would make her feel a little loopy, but her new one doesn't seem to have any sort of side effects. The downside is that she had to take it for about six weeks for it to really do anything at all for her anxiety, but it ended up helping a lot and doesn't make her feel out of it at all.

[Rikadyn]

Watching my mother slowly die from cancer...

[Cam]

:(

[Crazed_Insanity]

Lord God Almighty, I know you love her. I know you love us all! If you’re willing, please heal her! If not, then please don’t let her suffer for too long and may rikadyn’s family feel not only sadness, but also be filled with love! In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

[FaultyMario]

Watching my mother slowly die from cancer...

Ifever you want to talk, I can listen.

[Leon]

Watching my mother slowly die from cancer...

Oh man, I know those feels.

[Yw-slayer]

I hope you are all holding up as well as you can in the circumstances, bro.

[dodint]

:(

[sandydandy]

Watching my mother slowly die from cancer... :(

[speedpimp]

Sorry Holden.

[Ashie]

Watching my mother slowly die from cancer...

So sorry you are going through this. I unfortunately know how very difficult that is. Hugs.

[drew]

:(

[Rikadyn]

We found out her treatment had just stopped working in January, for no explainable reason. She had been under control for two years and felt a bump around Christmas. Doctors blew it off until she found three more in January. Since then she has had to have rods in her arm and leg preventively, and started chemo and radiation again.

Part of the problem is that I am expected to be emotionless, when everyone else is breaking down and keeping that mask up is wearing me out. I think I am more okay with the idea of her dying, simply because I have accepted it as reality at a young age (long story) and also that I have been dealing with suicidal ideation for two decades so, I kinda have a heavier trigger.

Still I realize that given my family history it's likely to be in my future if I don't eat a gun before then. If it is what comes, watching how hard it is on my family, I am not sure if I should take comfort or despair from knowing that I will face it alone.

This is all on top of a deepening existential crisis in wondering if there is any real value to life...

[Crazed_Insanity]

Obviously you value us enough to post here... likewise we all value each other enough to continue the chitchat over the years...

The same $100 bill may be a lot of money for a homeless, but nothing to Elon Musk who's seeking more cash to keep Tesla alive. Similarly, if US government fails, that bill would be worthless.

Just try not to let circumstances determine your value. Life is always worth living because as long as one's alive, there's always a chance of things getting better. Once dead, only way to go is down and will for sure be worthless. Take care of yourself dude!

[Cam]

My mom has lewy body dementia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lewy_body_dementia). She is experiencing paranoia and sensory hallucinations. She thinks "people" are following and spying on her and the family. She often smells things, like flowers or acrid odors. She regularly feels pains throughout her body as if she's been shocked or stabbed. Oddly, it comes and goes. One moment, she will be feeling fine. The next moment she will be coughing and/or feeling sick. She feels constantly tormented and terrorized. No wonder Robin Williams took his own life.

She still functions like a normal human most of the time. She hides and lies about her symptoms to her family and friends. I confronted her about her problem the last time I was home. She vehemently denies having dementia, despite the fact that she knows the things she is experiencing do not make sense. There is no making sense of a mental illness. There is nothing we can do unless she is a harm to herself or others. :(

[Crazed_Insanity]

Not really sure if we need to 'confront' a mentally sick person as if we're confronting somebody with a addiction problem.

Just need to be as supportive as we can in order to help them ease their pain and help them make the right decisions in life.

[Leon]

This is all on top of a deepening existential crisis in wondering if there is any real value to life...

Please do seek out help :)

Odds are, that a bunch of this is being made worse by your brain wiring fucking with you. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying, suggesting, or implying that the tough times you are suffering at the moment are not real, or important, or things that aren't going to mess with you. But professional help (and maybe meds) may really give you some good coping tools.

It might not feel like it at times, but you're a valuable, and important part of the world, and in the life of your family and friends.

[FaultyMario]

Yeah, what the Fast Kiwi said.

[2ndMoparMan]

Saw a psychaitrist today. I had a breakdown at work from stress. Said that it wanted to make me kill myself, so as of right now I'm on paid leave for at least a week and they'll be doing a fit for duty analyis before letting me come back. Doc said that what may have caused that was an anxitey attack, and she might've been right. When I get hyper stressed I can feel really overwhelmed and feel like it's part of a plan to fuck me over somehow. Gonna see a proper doctor soon and see if I acually have anxitety issues. I've always been quick to anger and maybe that's part of it. We'll see.

[Cam]

:(

[Rikadyn]

Please do seek out help :)

Odds are, that a bunch of this is being made worse by your brain wiring fucking with you. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying, suggesting, or implying that the tough times you are suffering at the moment are not real, or important, or things that aren't going to mess with you. But professional help (and maybe meds) may really give you some good coping tools.

It might not feel like it at times, but you're a valuable, and important part of the world, and in the life of your family and friends.

Meds only helped in placebo, therapist kind of helped but not really, it was good to talk but it just persisted.

[Crazed_Insanity]

Should’ve kept on taking the placebo. ;)

Perhaps try eastern medicine?

Also, Jordan Peterson claims his daughter came up with an all meat diet that helped with his arthritis and depression. Not saying that it’ll really work for you, but perhaps you could also use trial and error to see which food helps and which food screws up your mood. Diet or gut bacteria for sure can have an effect on depression, but not sure if we really have any real scientific way to back that up...

Anyway, if you feel like talking, surely this forum is still full of folks willing to talk and assist in whatever way necessary. Hang in there dude.

[Godson]

For everyone here, my phone is on.

It may be in mute, but it is always on and I check it regularly.

[TheBenior]

Sorry to hear about everyone's bad times.

In local news, a good buddy's wife has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. Estimated stage 2a, and they're figuring on a double mastectomy. We all know each other from high school and college.

[Leon]

Meds only helped in placebo, therapist kind of helped but not really, it was good to talk but it just persisted.

Do you think it might be worth considering trying a different therapist, or meds? Might be that you haven't found the right Dr, or chemicals.

[Rikadyn]

After 3yrs my mother lost her battle with cancer.

[SkylineObsession]

:( Sorry to hear that man. :(

Hopefully she lived longer than my mother before cancer got her (few days before her 50th).

[Leon]

Sorry man, cancer fucking sucks

[TheBenior]

:(